The Single Games

I'm back! Upon completion of Relationships 102 I made a promise with an avid follower that I would come back if the post received 100 views. Relationships 102 went viral at NWC, so now I am just a man fulfilling a promise. Part of the deal also required that I would not come up with my own ideas anymore. All of my blogs will now come from suggestions from the crowd. Any future blogs will be based upon the success of this post. I am a numbers guy and if my ROI is not good enough I will terminate the blog we all love. This being the case, I will announce my retirement at the end of all future posts so I will have a formal retirement when that sad day comes.

Before getting into the meat of the post, I need to continue the tradition I have started by giving a few shout outs. First and most important has to go to Isaac Schultz. Congratulations on bringing me out of retirement and making dreams come true to most of NWC Nation by having me write another post. Also, nice work making the blog go viral. Next shout out goes to Kassidy Cook for completing what I would consider to be about 2 years of course work in about 5 months. Congrats on reaching relationships 301. I am looking forward to when you reach relationships 401, but I need to inform you that you will never complete 401 until you die because passing 401 requires a complete understanding of the female specimen. The relationship courses bring a whole new meaning to life-long learner. Best of luck in your endeavor. Shout out to Ellis Libby for giving me the idea for this post. I have tinkered with the original idea to give it my own "Roll." I have decided to have Ellis Libby replace Josh Swore just for this post for giving me the idea. That being said, I would like to advertise Ellis to all my female readers. This man deserves to be in 201. Just remember ladies, though he may be grimy now, men always get better looking with age, especially business men like Ellis.

At the senior athletic banquet Ellis proposed that I write a post on senioritis. Most of the time this term refers to a college or high school senior who becomes lackadaisical in their work as graduation approaches. However, Ellis wanted me to blog about senioritis in NWC vernacular which then refers to people becoming stressed about finding a mate before they leave the 3003. Let's face it, if you do not get married at Northwestern you will never get married. Thus, senioritis has been stressing out students since 1902 (minus those couple of years in the 70s when NWC shut down). Quite frankly, I do not think I had enough material to write an entire post on senioritis, so I have decided to map out the life of NWC students. I honestly did not even want to write another post about relationships but that is what NWC wants to hear about.

Growing up one of my favorite types of books were those where you would choose one scenario and then that decision would affect the rest of the book. A choose your own ending type. I believe I have mastered something similar with the paths NWC students can take in regard to their dating lives at NWC. In this post, there will be times where you must choose your own path. You get to decide whether the path you choose is similar to real life or not, however I encourage you to decide on one path and stick with it. Every decision good or bad has brought you this far, might as well continue doing things as you have done before. Remember, the grass is always greener on the other side.

I have one final warning before I begin. The closer people get to retirement, the more lax they become about following the rules because who cares if you get fired. There are some who may find this to be my most offensive post. The past can hurt, and the truth can hurt. This is going to be good.

When you arrive at NWC you are either single or are in a relationship. As profound as that last statement was, it truly affects everything. If you are in a relationship when you get to NWC or enter one before Christmas break go to 1A. If you remained single during this time go to 1B. At anytime if you break up with your significant other head straight to 4.

1A
Nice work! If you are a guy, you most likely landed a very good looking girl. If you are a girl, congrats on being the girl that every other girl is jealous of for a few months. As awesome as this relationship is, it has its set backs. You have entered a relationship during a critical time in college when you are forming friend groups. Your friends are others who are dating and your significant other. This is fine but when it comes time to look for roommates for next year it seems like these are the people on the outside looking in. It will always seem like other people have formed a lot closer relationships with the members of the same sex. The fact is they do have better guy-guy/girl-girl relationships because you have been spending most of your time with your partner. You will probably miss out on some epic times when your friends are doing crazy things.

This route works out fine for many couples. You will get married before you graduate and be tapping into that tuition savings benefit of being married. Your road ends here happily married before graduation, your picture with the rock the day you became engaged, and having avoided all of the pressure of senioritis. Skip down to the second to last paragraph.

1B
Thank goodness! You have successful made it through the gauntlet that is the first 3 months at NWC. Guys, you were smart enough to avoid all the cling-ons and crazies. You already have enough funny stories for a lifetime. You also avoided making a dumb decision in your immaturity. Girls, nice job not falling for that first guy who showed immediate interest. You have taken a step back waiting for your own maturation process even if you eventually enter a relationship with that guy. I would recommend not dating freshman year at all, but there are certain individuals who are ready, especially girls (and double especially if the guy is a year or two older). However, by waiting until 2nd semester you have formed solid relationships with many people around you both men and women. Your journey continues to Sophomore year which is labeled 2.

2
Entering Sophomore year you are either in a new relationship or are still riding the single train. Sophomore and Junior year are very much alike and thus have been grouped together in this blog. If you are in or enter a relationship anytime during this period head to 2A. If you remained single during this entire period head to 2B.

2A
Your dating life is nice. Both parties are mature and are headed into a more serious phase of the relationship and life. You find yourself hanging out with friends, while also spending quality time with your significant other. Your friend group includes both singles and couples. Finding something to do is never difficult and fun is always awaiting. For women, I think this is a perfect spot to find yourself in. For men, this spot has a couple of negatives, but for the most part has nothing to regret. You have found yourself a solid wife-to-be. The drawback is that you are now responsible for your girlfriend and yourself. This can be time consuming and will cause you to miss out on being able to do whatever you want with your guy friends. On a positive note, you have matured a lot through some of the difficult times of a relationship. You are battle tested, but the leash only reaches so far in what you would consider a fun night. You are married between your senior year and a year or so after graduation. Your journey happily ends here. Enjoy the honeymoon!!!!

2B
You are either really ugly, really stupid, or really awesome. I would like to think I error on the awesome side and you can too. You made it to your senior year being single. In the past year, you have formed an awesome relationship with a member of the same sex you normally would not have done if it weren't for you being single. You have some of the craziest pranks and stories. Singles are gathering together, forming friend groups apart from their fellow couple friends which always end with a hilarious and widely inappropriate night. Scroll down to 4 to see where your senior year will take you.

4
Being single is epic. During your 3 years leading up to now you have also come to realize that all guys are immature or every single girl you are interested in does not seem to understand why you would be perfect together. The pickings are slim. Senioritis begins to hit you hard. You do not want to settle for any girl/guy, but time is of the essence. If you enter a relationship during your senior year go to 2A. If you made it your entire 4 years being single or graduated single due to breakups head to 4A.

4A
You have avoided senioritis! You are an endangered species. You made it through the entire game, but somehow you lost. Riddle me that. Your parents are becoming anxious if you will ever find someone. Trying to meet Christian singles in the business world is like trying to find Waldo except you have no clue what they are wearing. For women in this situation, I am sorry to inform you that your MRS degree was a failure. You will get married eventually based on statistics, but the time frame you had in mind is probably long gone. If you are a dude, props to you minus your high school friends questioning if you are gay or not (who really cares what people in high school think though). Before long, every toy you dreamed of having when you were younger will be a reality. A boat, a motorcycle, a four wheeler, a jet ski, or whatever will eventually make its way to you. School loans are quickly (or relatively quickly) paid off due to a lack of expenses. There has been a detrimental drop in your health as frozen pizzas and PB&J sandwiches are no longer keeping your six pack abs intact. Some of your close friends may joke that you are destined for a life of celibacy. No worries, statistically you will get married as well. Your journey continues until the man/woman of your dreams comes along. Return to the beginning of 4A and repeat until married. Until then, enjoy the free time and a full wallet.

There you have it. The Single Games. Each path is a little different, but based on the numbers all roads will lead to marriage for more than 90%. After reading this (only if you made it to 4A), it may be in your best interest to start wearing red and white with blue jeans just in case someone takes my Where's Waldo reference to heart. May the odds be ever in your favor.

Lastly, I need to announce my retirement in case this post does not get enough views. I want to thank all my viewers, especially the women because we all know your views count as double. Lastly, I want to thank myself for being awesome.

Keep Rollin Yahtzee's

Relationships 102: How to Read Men Like a Book

For some reason, whenever I blog about myself it struggles to get the astronomical views I receive when writing canonical pieces such as NWC Media Day and Relationships 101. I should not be surprised that NWC loves hearing about relationships. With these overwhelming stats I decided at the last second to not write a blog on my drive back to Iowa. Ok thanks for calling my bluff on that one. I have been hounded by people on the outside to write another blog. As a late Christmas gift to all of my followers I give to you another post. This is about the time of year most people finally get their Christmas letters out and you can put this post in a similar category based on its timeliness. For those of you who were wishing for post season football awards or intramural basketball media day, Santa did not come with those. Santa did come with Relationships 102 which is truly the gift that keeps on giving. Merry Christmas.

Sometime back I promised a few things. The first was that I would give another personal shout out to Josh Swore for finally passing an online course I teach. Swore has mentioned several times to me that I need to write an entire post about him, and I still feel this is unnecessary. The second item I promised was to write what I had coined "Relationships 102: How to Read Men Like a Book" so here goes nothing.

Some things to remember before I start. All men are the same at some level. We are simple and logical creatures who often do not find ourselves in tune with the emotional realm. Trust me ladies, you want this from men. Imagine an emotional man at the same time you ladies are overly emotional. YIKES (Natures natural balance where guys get the short end of the stick if they have reached relationships 201). Therefore, since we are logical, I give to you several tests that can be used to read men and their "feelings." Truly you are reading their thoughts because what they think and do will tell you exactly what he is feeling. The more tests you find coinciding with his behavior the more sure you can be about how he feels. Really what these tests are designed to do is help answer the question 'Does this guy like me?' Women the last thing to remember is to not read too much into anything. Stick to the question ‘Does this guy like me?’ and try not to keep asking yourself ‘What did that mean?’ Once again let me remind you that men are simple. Pay attention to what he does more than what he says, at least in the initial phases. All these tests are simple (just like men) and can be done by any girl.

Social Media Test

This test is fairly simple and one of the earliest of the tests. Everyone has Facebook and a majority have Twitter as well.  How much does this guy pop up on your news feed? Have you noticed him liking pictures that he would have had to search through your profile a bit to find? Is he commenting on some of those same type of photos? Does he comment or like every status update you have? Does he favorite, retweet, or reply to several of your tweets?  For me, this test usually confirms what I already know. If I were a lady I would use this test as a starting point to give me hints. Obviously there are some people who live on social media sites and some people who barely use them. For this very reason, the social media test is a starting point. Continued social media interaction in anyway should simply be taken note of.

Bump Into Test

This test is hard to identify if you do not know what you are looking for. It can even be tricky if you understand what is going on. I am not 100% positive, but I am fairly sure women do this very thing to a certain extent as well. The difficult thing to not do with this test is to read too much into the scenario, and trust me, that is what women do about everything men related. Men have an innate ability to "bump into" women we have a particular liking. This does not mean that he literally bumps into you on the sidewalk. Guys I do not recommend trying that. It simply means that this guy seems to run into you in casual, normal settings. Let me try and give an example to make this test a bit more clear. Both the guy and girl frequent the library for personal studies. The two of you have been acquaintances for some time, but recently you think he may have some interest. You both have your own separate table at the library, but you notice that when he gets up to use the restroom he goes a little out of his way to walk by your table and say hi. This is pretty classic.

Looking Test

This test is similar to the Bump Into test in that it can be hard to identify if you are not paying attention. Also, similar to the Bump Into test, the Looking test is done by women as well. Both men and women are very sneaky with this test because there is a fear of getting caught staring. Do you ever catch this guy looking across the room at you when you are not talking or making an abnormal movement. I decided to add the abnormal movement part because the eye is naturally tuned to look toward any type of movement. Just try and not look up when someone enters a room. Every man has ADD to some extent so expect him to be distracted by abnormal movement. I do not remember where I heard or saw this trick, but if I were a female I would yawn and then look around to see who else is yawning. I already stated that the social media test is the very beginning of the tests but the Looking Test has potential to precede the Social Media Test.

Name Test

This is the hardest test to determine the true results. Many studies have been done and they all say that when a guy/girl likes a girl/guy they are more apt to use their name instead of common pronouns. This is the hardest test because your name can be used by anyone. However, the frequency by which it is used will answer this test question for you. In a normal conversation, two or three times is a lot. In text messages, check for something like this… “How u doin? compared to “How u doin today (insert your name)? Which one sounds better ladies? Pick number 2 my lord (Shrek quote).

A small side note to look for in the name test is to check for a nickname. Sometimes he will use the nickname right in front of you and that is a dead giveaway. Especially early, do not count on this one. More than likely he has some sort of nickname or even a code name for you. It is possible that he could be talking about you while you are in the same room and you would not even know it. Men are weird like that. I would love to insert some examples here, but I cannot giveaway some of the nickname secrets. Do not worry too much about this one women and simply let it slide. If things progress towards relationships 201 you will usually learn the nicknames he has for you.

Laugh Test

This is probably my favorite test. Men and women both do this test as well. I hate to break it to you women but in general men are funnier. For the most part a quality women are looking for in a man is to have a good sense of humor. Men have a similar want for a sense of humor in women. However, men know that women are naturally not going to be as funny as their dude friends. So what is there to test? Watch how much he laughs at what you say including text messages. He wants you to be funny so if he laughs even at things which are not very funny, he is somehow making himself think that you are funnier than you actually are. The funnier you are the less he will find himself laughing at pointless things because his need for you to be funny has been satisfied. Have a good sense of humor ladies, and if you do not, be sure that he will be laughing at things that are not that funny.

Physical Test

Watch a bunch of guys for just a few minutes to realize they are physically beings. Even the completely straight guys seem to always be touching each other in some fashion. Thus the butt slap in sports, created by completely straight men that could be viewed as homosexual in any other setting. Oxymoronic. Be thankful ladies if you are going after a solid guy he will not be butt slapping you anytime soon. That being said, his physical nature is still in full rage. Watch for simple acts of physical nature. Fist pounds, high fives, handshakes, a pat on the back, a nudge, all are good examples of early physical tests. Men want to touch.

Out of the Way Test

This is one of the more comical tests especially when you know a guy likes a girl and you see him doing this. Everyone is selfish to some extent and I think men in general are more selfish creatures than women. The Out of the Way Test is an act of pure unselfishness. If a man goes out of his way for a girl it is a good sign that he has some interest. Something as simple as watching a movie he would rather not watch could be seen as him going out of the way for you. Anytime he does something he absolutely does not want to do but does not complain about it, he passes this test. Every man in relationships 201+ has done this and it is not a sign of being whipped.

Emoticon Test

If you are a girl and need this test to confirm the overlying question, the dude needs to work on his cues or you are off in your own little world. Men have no uses for emoticons in texts except for bromance texts or to flirt. More than 1 emoticon ought to give it away. :) and ;) are good. Run if you see <3.

Well ladies there you have it. It really is this simple. Remember, do not read into anything too much and never over think anything. Chances are he does not even remember what he said or did to make you over think something. Use facts and logic only and you are well on your well to understanding his thoughts which truly lead to his feelings. 

Feel free to comment below on anything you disagree with or would like better clarification. I know Relationships 101 had some strong disagreements about certain points from the XX population and many of these may be left unanswered. 

It has been a fun ride with Yahtzee’s Roll, but I am officially announcing my retirement from Yahtzee's Roll on Life effective the 31^st of March 2013. NWC Media Day received 88 views at the time of this post and I would love to see this post break 100 as my finale. I want to thank all my followers who have made this possible. Lastly, I want to thank myself for being awesome.

Keep Rollin Yahtzee's 

Blue Crew

I apologize for the long delay between posts. Football all day has really put a damper on my blogging time. Additionally, I also had to let the second round analysis of the B to the R simmer down before unveiling another post. Despite intense pressure from All-American Josh Swore, I will not be writing an entire post on NWC's hottest male athlete (this award was voted on by the women of NWC). This is unfortunate for the ladies of the 3003 trying to get some background information on Swore before they attempt to befriend him in hopes of a lifelong friendship. However, I promised to give him a well deserved shout out in what will hopefully set records for viewership.

When it comes to summer work nearly everyone at NWC knows I am a Blue Bunny man in the summer. This summer was a record summer for Blue Bunny, thus I was putting in a record number of hours per week. 63 hours a week (graveyard shift) was typical for me which also helps explain why I was blogging (my only social life), but also for my lack of posts. This being my second year at Blue Bunny and a seasoned veteran, I figured I would write a post about some things I have noticed in my 2 years.

Language
Working the night shift also means being a Caucasian is in the minority. English is a second language for most of the employees. When workers are decked out in all the gear, and all you can make out of a face is a small hole for their nose and eyes, it can be a challenge to get a read on one's ethnicity. I cannot say how many times I tried yelling (the fans in the factory require yelling just to hear someone) at a guy in English only to hear him yelling back in Spanish. I think it would be a great idea to stick some sort of mark or sticker on every man's hard hat to symbolize the appropriate language to talk to him. This would help for those who can speak English and Spanish, but for a minority like myself it may not be much help especially for those who only speak Spanish. One of my favorite fellow employees knew only Blue Bunny English and I could speak Blue Bunny Spanish so it worked out. Perhaps the reason he was one of my favorites was due to the fact that we had little interaction.

Language II
Even though I named this section Language II, know that they have no correlation. The language I am referring to here is the employee rhetoric. If you are yelled at with some choice words this is not always a bad thing. Unless you have done something stupid, words that would have gotten my mouth washed out with soap are more like a term of endearment. A rule of thumb is "the more F's, the better." If one can find a way to fit 4 or 5 into one sentence while talking to you, consider yourself blessed.

4th of July
The 4th is a mandatory day off for all employees, and production at Blue Bunny shuts down. Based on the ethnicity of the plant, I have coined together a way for production to avoid holidays only celebrated by Americans. In theory, I have proposed that the Hispanics can have Cinco De Mayo off and work the 4th, and Americans work Cinco De Mayo and take off the 4th. Production schedules would have to be light on both of those days because of the missing staff. I am not for sure how well this would work, but I would find it comical to see only Americans in the freezer.

Helmets
Each year Blue Bunny hires a huge amount of temporary or seasonal help during the summer months when production is at full capacity. With these new hires, comes the issuing of proper freezer gear. The hard hat given to all temps is a squeaky clean helmet with a name tag on it. This name tag is nice to help learn others' names, but in reality it is more like a driver's ed sticker on the side of a car. Regular employees are flying around on pallet jacks while the temps look like a teenage female driver. The name tag is almost an excuse for stupidity. No one ever gets mad at a driver's ed vehicle going the wrong direction on a one-way because you almost expect it. The same holds true at Blue Bunny. A new guy tipping a full pallet or running into a wall at a high speed is not out of the norm.

Gas
How could I write a post about an all male workforce without mentioning the passing of gas? What makes matters worse is that most employees are of Hispanic descent which means Hispanic food. I could probably stop there and you would understand, but I am going to color a better picture. Not only are the Hispanics pounding down the burritos and tacos during lunch, all employees have the option to pound down ice cream. Ice cream falls into the dairy category which typically stinges the nostrils upon exit. To top it all off, everyone is in super heavy duty freezer suits which usually means you penalize yourself just as much as everyone else when you let one loose. If you are a little confused by that, think dutch oven and you will understand. To add insult to injury, the freezer has the same effect on gas as it does everything else. They freeze. This freezing effect causes these smells to linger similar to what one would experience in a sauna.

Scotty
Scotty was another one of my favorite employees, and he is actually American. Scotty is a witty guy and is most likely a lifer. His comment during a pre-work meeting sums up the rest you need to know about Blue Bunny. A supervisor was complaining that he had worked 60 hours the previous week and was only paid for 40 of them. Without missing a beat Scotty replies "some guys in the freezer only worked 40 hours last week, but still got paid for 60." Classic factory work.

Well now you know a little what it is like to be a Blue Bunny man for a summer. There is more I could add but have refrained from it due to many eyes on this blog. Greg Johnson, Terri and possibly Kirk Talley, Beth Wilmeth I thank you for the extra views.

To wrap up this post I want to thank all those who have been regulars of the blog. School is around the corner and the blog is on its last straw until another time. I am unsure if this is a retirement speech or just preparing you for a hibernation/hiatus. We had a good run. Starting August 29, #funfactoftheday brought to you by @Big_D_Dammo and myself will be in full swing. All attention in the blogging world will shift to the Bachelor to the Rapture Madness as Cook analyzes each round to determine a winner.

Keep Rollin Yahtzees

NWC Media Day

Before I make you fall on the floor in laughter and awe at my amazing blog, I need to make mention of a few things. First of all, I have neglected to give a warm welcome to those keeping tabs on the blog to make sure I keep it clean: Captain Kirk (Coach Talley), Greg Johnson, and maybe Beth Wilmeth (optimism for another female follower). Thanks for the extra 2-3 views. Optimism for another female follower leads me to my second thing I need to mention. Shout out to Lauren Cleope for being an avid follower. Female views count as double and NWC's finest bloggers (Cook and I) appreciate it.

We are gearing up for my favorite time of year. Football season. More specifically college football season. With the college season quickly approaching comes many things. NCAA Football 13 which is a great game by the way. However you can be thankful I am not writing about my NCAA 13 dynasty (that would be a sweet blog but I am afraid I would start attracting the Chapstick crowd). What I am talking about is all the media days for the major BCS conferences that are going on this week. I was not summoned up to Minnesota this week so I am assuming the UMAC is not having a media day. That is why I am doing media day for NWC myself. I want to introduce you to the Eagle seniors you can expect to be tearing it up this year. All players are in numerical order based on last year's number except Cyle DeBoer which I will explain.

#29 Cyle DeBoer
Cyle is placed first because in the Highlight Reel blog I forgot to mention Cyle as part of the "hecklers" until I went back and edited it. So Cyle is now receiving his spotlight in this blog by being first. From the boonies of Ogilvie, MN, Cyle is as white as they come which equals nasty sharp shooter from deep. That is right I am talking about basketball when this is a football media day. Intramural season is almost as important to a few of us seniors as the football season. Cyle is the X-Factor on a Miami Heat-esque dominant team seeking its first championship.
Nickname: Cyle does not really have a nickname. Has been called Clyde by a few professors, but other than that he is known on a first name basis.

#2 Zach Markwith
Once an Iowan now a Hawaiian. Let's be honest Zach fits much better as a Hawaiian than an Iowan. Zach is very well known on the Hamline campus as the Nortwestern JV quarterback who made the immaculate throw on fourth down, and eventually finishing off the drive with a TD and two point conversion to win the game. At the 3003 Zach is known for his incredible arsenal of movie quotes and amazing skill in imitations.
Nickname: For George Palke, his real name is Markwirth or Markeef so they turned into nicknames for us along with the classic Flyin Hawaiian.

#3 Mitch Swanson
Nickname: Goose
I needed to start with the nickname portion on Mitch because Goose is more like his real name than an actual nickname. Goose has a whole other language that he speaks. When talking to Goose you may hear him say "What up mo?" or refer to other people as cats. Another thing to know about Goose is that his goal every day is to get as many people as he can to flinch. The scratch of the eyebrow is a trick tried by most of the football team but only Goose has truly mastered the scratch and mastered avoiding the flinch after the scratch. Nothing happens if you flinch except a good laugh for the master himself.

#10 Josh Balzer
My roommate and domestic partner for at least 2 years. I refuse to live without the man until he finds a wife. May I add that Josh is without a doubt the most eligible bachelor at NWC. For a few years his civil engineering homework has kept him booked (that was punny) in the room avoiding almost all relations with a female. Josh's celebrity look-a-like is Andrew Luck. What is scary is that they are more than just look-a-likes. They are both engineering majors with nearly identical personalities. Every time I watch a Luck interview I suspect Josh would give the same answers.
Nickname: I believe the Fake Bobbo (Robert A Wolcyn) started the nicknames for Balzer which none of them will be mentioned on this blog. Just to note that an acceptable nickname and used by the female crowd is J-Balz.

#25 Cody Durkee
The most sarcastic of any one of the seniors. Flat out hilarious. I can guarantee multiple laughs by only being around him for just a few minutes. To fully understand Durkee all you need to know is that his apartment was coined as the "chill zone."
Nickname: Cody does not have a nickname that I am aware of, so he is referred to by his last name. Durkee.

#28 Kendall Sommerlot
A former Pocahontas Indian but a lifelong Iowan. Kendall was an original instigator of short shorts Thursdays which provoked Talley to an infamous speech. Kendall has the body of a Greek god. Zeus would be embarrassed with his shirt off around Kendall. It is almost illegal for Kendall to have a shirt on. If some shenanigans is to be pulled, Kendall is a man you want on your team. This guy is flawless with pranks (see Highlight Reel).
Nickname: 4:30 or Yaminashi

#41 Matt Dammann
Matt is the craziest of all the seniors and a joy to be around. Matt is one of many notable athletes at NWC to call Bloomington home. Matt was scolded for being immature on the first day of camp last year (see highlight reel). Matt also was probably the first one to ever bring a speedo to breakaway. He was one of the founders of the Eagle Award and most definitely would have won the award himself. Matt prides himself with hang cleans in the weight room. Matt is part of the higher quality individuals on the football team.
Nickname: Dammo

#42 Kabakas Clark
Straight from Bartow, Florida I could barely understand his dialect when he first arrived in Minnesota. One word I kept hearing was the word finna. I had never heard this before in my hicktown of Hinton. Kabakas taught me the word finna and it has been part of my vocabulary ever since. I want to thank him for that. Kabakas has probably undergone the most change in his 4 years. He has gone from Bartow thug to semi-white Northwesterner. My favorite Kabakas moment was when Burrs hit Coach Moore in the head with a bag and Kabakas' response was "he done hit him in the head."
Nickname: Kabakas has more nicknames than anyone at NWC and that is a fact. Kabby, Coco, Coco Bear to name a few. Alternative spellings and pronunciations of his name are also allowed - Kabeckus and Kabakus.

#44 Joey Bauman
The only high school football state champion on the team. I roomed with Joey freshman year and am the reason he has developed insomnia. Joey is an assassin and the only person on the team I would legitimately not mess with. Joey sleeps with both eyes open and has eyes in the back of his head. A sizable knife can be found in his night stand next to his bed. The best gamer I have ever known and will beat you in any shooting video game. A force not to be reckoned with, especially with a weapon in his hands.
Nickname: Big Stick

#49 Kassidy Cook
A fellow Iowan and worthy of the high calling when from Iowa. The funniest man on twitter that I follow and it is not even close. His social media skills are unmatched, and may I add a fellow blogger (thoughtsfromtheguardshack.blogspot.com). Has been known to have some classy facial hair. He has been seen with a fu manchu and a mustache along with the normal goatee/beard. Kassidy was all-state on both sides of the ball in high school, and I have been trying for three years to get him to play offensive line. Perhaps this year he will reach his full potential on the offensive side of the ball.
Nickname: Kassidy is another one of the guys whose last name serves as his nickname. Cook.

#72 Ryan Friesen
Another one of B-Towns finest and working on his second year as a starter on the offensive line. Ryan has worked hard his years at Northwestern and has put on a considerable amount of mass. His celebrity look-a-like is Nick Mangold of the Jets. Ryan has been working on the locks for quite sometime now, and I expect them to be flowing out of the back of his helmet this year. The last thing I want to mention about Ryan is the extreme deepness of his voice. He is not quiet at all and can be heard from what seems to be miles out.
Nickname: Deep Freeze

#99 Valentine Awasom
Valentine roomed with Kabakas for a few weeks freshman year and this was the first time I could not understand a conversation between two men in English. Valentine is the first person I have ever seen eat chicken bone marrow and eat part of the pits of fruit. Food will not be wasted around this man. The first and only player ever at NWC to wear the 1S jersey. Since his running back days are over, this practice jersey has been retired.
Nickname: He does not have a true nickname but referring to him as "puppy" or "son" will do.

Just a note that these were the seniors participating in senior meetings. Other seniors include Brian Lecheler, Justin Horsch, Alex Zeller, Jeremy Langness, Cody Kielsa, and All-American Dave Kleiner-Wanna Be Josh Swore. I am extremely excited for the season to start and could not be more happy with the guys that I get to enjoy the ride with.

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Male Phenomenons

One successful date for an avid follower and 30 pageviews later I am up and at it again. I cannot say how honored I am for a friend to give some credit to a blog for getting him a date. I have a tough time believing I had anything to do with it, but it serves as a good laugh and I appreciate that. My last post really tried to captivate the audience of both sexes and it appears as though it worked. Hopefully you ladies keep checking in.

So I am working at Blue Bunny (a post on Blue Bunny coming early August) and have a good amount of time to just sit and relax by myself. While I am just sitting in a warm up room by myself, I all of a sudden come to the realization of some of the phenomenons of being a man. Being a man is truly a high calling, but there are some things about men that could make you, especially women, wonder if we men are a different species all together.

It is a proven fact that women are more influenced by how a man smells rather than how he looks. This is a detriment to being a man. Let me prove my point in the first phenomenon of being a man. Men smell. I cannot explain why but men have forever been haunted with smelliness. This fact can be proven through a simple experiment. Take 5 or 6 guys and place them in an enclosed room such a dorm room. Have all of them enter freshly showered. Have the room set at comfortable room temperature around 70 degrees with a fan keeping the temperature constant. Make sure no man is physically touching another man which ensures there is plenty of leg room and space. The number one rule is no farting (this is impossible but for experiment sake it must be controlled). Turn on a movie for a couple hours and once the movie is over have a lady enter the room and it will stink. Each individual man will smell fine, but for some reason the collective group will have some major BO. I will never be able to explain why this is, but ladies we cannot help it and have no way of stopping it. It truly is head-scratcher.

My sister-in-law was down for a weekend and was complaining about my brothers outfit. He was wearing these moccasin type slippers that she was not too pleased about because they should not be worn out of the house according to her. Why is it that for years women have been trying to regulate what their spouses are wearing. I realize that if he is too sloppy it reflects on her but come on wearing moccasins to visit family seems far fetched to worry about. What really bothers wives is typically the man's entire wardrobe. Men could care less about getting new clothes as long as the old ones still fit. Why waste the money? I see no problem with wearing a shirt or pair of jeans you have from high school if still fits. Ladies are up in arms about this. It's ludicrous in their eyes. Men want comfort and there is nothing more comfortable than a pair of underwear or an old shirt that has adapted to our bodies curves, and men will hold onto these clothes like we hold onto the remote. Women on the other hand cannot bear the idea of not having new outfits and not wearing the same 5 shirts before she does the laundry again. The underlying reason for this is women just want to shop. Women want fashion and men could not care less about fashion as long as it is comfortable. This explains the underwear with huge holes in them, sweatpants all the time, walking around in just underwear when its appropriate, and of course the infamous slippers that every man has.

One of my favorite TV shows is Rules of Engagement and on an episode a couple weeks ago the married man went maternity shopping with his wife. He ended up leaving the store with a pair of maternity jeans for himself. This is brilliant and every man loves the idea of pants that expand at the waste. Not only does this avoid having to buy bigger pants when men get fatter, it also keeps us from unbottoning the pants after a big meal. Why is it that only men have to unbutton their pants after eating a lot? Maybe because we are creatures of no manners, but the women do not even have a desire to loosen up their waste line after chowing down. Perhaps the women would feel fat if they did or perhaps they refuse to stoop that low with their manners. Either or this act is meant only for the male species. Every man understands the importance of wearing sweatpants on Thanksgiving or the pants will be unbuttoned to make room for dessert.

The final phenomenon of the male species is the idea of the ultimate bathroom. Every man dreams of a bathroom with a reclining toilet, fridge, and a TV. The only reason I can think of to explain this is because this is the only room in the house that men can truly claim as their own. This is the throne room for men. All other rooms are controlled by the women with decorations. No matter how old, men for centuries have seen the importance of having something to do while they relieve themselves. Magazines are a thing of the past for current generations and men have moved on to the laptop/smartphone era. I would venture to say more men spend time on Facebook on the pot than any other specific time of the day. Men will go to obscure lengths to ensure their time on the pot is not wasted. TV's in the bathroom will hit its era in the near future, and oh hasten that day. Women there is absolutely nothing you can do about this. You have to let the man own the bathroom. Women spend much more time in the bathroom, but this is due to lengthy showers, hair/makeup, and there is always a mirror in the bathroom. When it comes to doing business, men spend much longer which is why the laptop among other things are vitally important if men are to have a successful time dropping a deuce.

Know that this list is far from exhaustive and there are countless other male phenomenons. I apologize if you leave this post scratching your head at manhood just as much as before you starting reading. I attempted to explain some of the strangest male phenomenons, but sometimes there are things that will always be left unexplained. Thus the fact that they are phenomenons.

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Relationships 101

Wow has it ever been a while since you have gotten Yahtzee's roll on life. I would like to think that my poor viewership is because it is nice out and people are enjoying their summer break. The key word there is "like".  A whoppin 6 people read the last one. I even tried to estimate the percentage of the world population who would read it, and I overestimated big time. I have a feeling this is due to me only appealing to the male population. So I have decided at least for this one time to try and appeal to both sexes.

I have titled this post Relationships 101 and have mentioned jokingly a few times that I should hold a seminar in chapel for the women at NWC. Even though I think I am an expert in this field, my in class experiments have not received very high marks so I cannot move up to 201 until I pass 101. Hopefully if you are in this 101 stage I can help you move up to 201. I will be covering some of the basics I have gathered over my failed experiments while throwing in some of my own roll.

When writing a paper or giving a speech you are supposed to establish some credibility. This is where this blog falls apart. I am trying to appeal to both sexes in this post but I cannot even do it real life, so I am still unsure how I will do it in this blog. This is either great news or bad news. Great news if you are a lady and wondering if I am single. Bad news if you are lady because you have already quit reading or because by the end of this post my situation with the ladies will probably worsen. I see this as a double win (thanks coach Talley for helping me see the double win in every situation even when it is a double lose). 

CHICK FLICKS: Every girl I have ever known loves The Notebook and thoroughly enjoys watching a romantic film AKA "chick flicks". Honestly I do not mind watching a chick flick every now and then (However I refuse to watch The Notebook until I am very advanced in a relationship or married). The key to watching a chick flick is seeing it from the man's perspective. For example, How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days from the man's view is How to Win a Girl Over in 10 days. I know, I am a genius. Now back to my point with chick flicks. In these movies, the girl always realizes near the end that the man she originally was going after was a loser and there was another guy who loved her for who she was. This is all happy and lovey dovey but far from reality. I want to see a chick flick where the girl does not figure out the guy is a loser, and she ends up marrying him and there isn't a happy ending. Statistics prove that about 50% of the time this happens, even to the finest of NWC. Therefore, I think about 50% of chick flicks should have a bad ending. Get back to reality women. 

MORALE OF THE STORY: Women tend to think with their hearts more than their brains. Make sure you are using both.

EXCLUSIVE: People always talk and ask "so are you guys exclusive?" This is the dumbest thing in my opinion. I think you are always exclusive. Either you are exclusive to yourself or you are exclusive with one person. Obviously exclusive to yourself means you are single and not talking to anyone of the opposite sex. Exclusive to one person means you are talking, dating, or married to one person. If you find yourself talking to someone of the opposite sex and then find out they are interested in someone else, one of two things happened. Either they are pulling the "we are just friends" or they were confused on who they liked. Either way these are not the people you want to be going after. There should never be a time where you are talking to multiple people. People have enough trouble dealing with one person. How are you supposed to handle multiple? And do not give me that bull "oh we are just friends and talk a lot" (I will cover this BS more in depth later). 

MORALE OF THE STORY: Men be a "one woman" man. Women be a "one man" woman.

HANGING OUT: This is directed at women for the most part but could be pointed at some men. No dude just wants to hang out with girls because if he is just looking for a good time he will choose hanging out with other dudes every time. Let's face it. Dudes are just way funnier and come up with crazier plans and ideas. This is why women love to hang out with guys and think nothing is there. In reality, if a guy is hanging out with girls there are a couple reasons why. Number 1, and usually the only reason, is that he is interested in a girl. If the hanging out is always in a group this is because the guy is not ready for a one-on-one hangout yet. If you are a girl and think hanging out with a guy one-on-one is because you are just friends, think again. Number 2 is that one of the dudes friends has a girlfriend so his guy friends are just hanging out with her girl friends. This is a group setting and completely harmless. But what you may find in this scenario, is that you find a special someone anyway because that is what couples do. They set up their friends. 

MORALE OF THE STORY: Men, do not just hang out with girls unless you have a motive because this is how women get confused. Women if you are hanging out with a guy mano a mano he is most certainly interested.

JUST FRIENDS: The worst possible thing a man can hear is "I wanna be just friends" or "we are just friends". I know for me and probably many other men as well, I would rather just get rejected than have a girl want to be "just friends". The only time a man may say he still wants to be friends with a girl is after a break up or stoppage of play, but this is only because he does not want it to be awkward. And by the way, aren't you supposed to marry your best friend? So when a girl says she wants to be "just friends" a man should be optimistic right? Even I cannot take that last statement seriously. To the girls, no guy wants to be just friends. Referring back to the hanging out section, if a guy was looking to be "just friends" he might as well forget the girl and go back to his guy friends. Girls are the only ones who benefit from being "just friends" because like I said before, dudes are just hilarious and awesome to be around. Women who are "just friends" have a parasitic relationship with men. They benefit while the man is harmed. 

MORALE OF THE STORY: "Just friends" rivals one other scenario (I will cover the other one later) as the worst situation for a man to be in. Men avoid it. Women don't ruin a man like that.

FRIEND ZONE: This is the most dangerous territory for a man to be around. There is a fine line between the friend zone and becoming friends with a girl to hopefully court her. When I say this line is fine, it is so fine that you could be on one side of the line and then all of a sudden a slight breeze blows you way over to the other side. This might as well be called the DANGER ZONE instead of the FRIEND ZONE. It is unbelievably obvious when someone is in the friend zone, too. I often find myself laughing at these people even though somewhere deep down inside I grieve for that man because sometimes it is not his fault. Women are too shallow sometimes. It is a double standard, but men are "allowed" to be shallow because they get to choose who they go after (Ultimately it is the girl who decides if they date or not so women use this power wisely).  However, some guys live in the friend zone. I have no sympathy for these guys. For some reason they love getting deep into the friend zone with a bunch of girls. I think to myself "hey dude that's cool that you have all those sweet girl friends but don't have any guy friends." That was sarcastic of course. If you are a guy and find yourself getting close to the friend zone it is time to SOAP (strap on a pair) up and ask her on a date. If you get rejected nothing changes except all of a sudden you become exclusive to yourself which is actually pretty awesome. Do not ever get rejected and continue down the path of the "just friends" but we hang out all the time. Once you start down the dark path of the friend zone, forever will it dominate your destiny (just had a Yoda moment there). There are RARE instances where a man must enter the friend zone. This is usually because she is not ready to date for whatever reason. Tread carefully my young grasshoppers, and as soon as you sense the friend zone becoming long-term get the heck out of dodge. 

MORALE OF THE STORY: Men, SOAP up and ask her out. Women do not let a man wander in the friend zone. Let him know if he has chance or if he should give up. 

GOD RELATIONSHIP: There is no doubt if you have been around the NWC campus, or any Christian campus for that matter, you have heard of this statement “I need to work on my relationship with God before we can date.” This is lamest excuse known to the relationship world and rivals “just friends” as the worst possible situation for a man to be in. Most of the time I interpret it to mean “I don’t want to date you now or ever”. The worst part about this excuse is that it is flawless. It is un-arguable. If you question someone saying they don’t need to work on their relationship with God, you all of a sudden become a heathen. Maybe I am a terrible person because I question the validity of this excuse all the time. Shouldn’t you have your relationship with God worked out before you even attempt to start seriously talking to a member of the opposite sex? Are all these people suddenly realizing “oh shoot I really like this awesome person but my relationship with God sucks?” Ya I laughed at that last statement, too. According to Proverbs, iron sharpens iron so technically a relationship with another human should strengthen your relationship with God. Drew Shepp just hashtagged boom right there (don’t you just hate when you know you are a genius). I could semi understand a situation where this excuse is used, and the couple continue to hang out and move towards dating. AKA the “hiatus.” I still do not applaud that situation, but at least it lacks the underlying meaning of this excuse most of the time.

MORALE OF THE STORY: Getting your vertical relationship right before you work on a horizontal relationship with the opposite sex will help you avoid this excuse forever. 

These are just a few of the basics to the relationship world. Thus this is only a 100 level post. Sometimes the truth can hurt and this post maybe opened a few eyes. I have no filter and I speak truth. Hopefully with my help you have passed Relationships 101. I realize that in my due time I may too pass, but until then I am in the Bachelor to the Rapture club and reppin hard.

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Home Alone: Hinton

I am chilling at the hotel in Florida pre-gaming because I have about 45 minutes before we go to Ruth's Chris Steak House. Before I purged myself to near death levels, I figured I would put together another blog post that .0000000036 of the world will read. That number is based on past viewership and of course boosted a bit because I figure I can only go up from here. Also, it could only help my ego so I rounded up a hair. If you were hoping I am going to write about my time in Florida so far, you can stop reading because I am not going there. Sorry for the let down, but since you already opened up the blog post my numbers will still appear as though you read the whole thing.

Now that you know I am in Florida, I want to share a little about my past few days before I arrived in the sunshine state. My family (Dad, Nate, Stephen) left on Friday afternoon and drove down. Meanwhile Jon drove down to Omaha Friday night and his flight left early Saturday morning. So from Friday night to Wednesday afternoon I was the man of the house (not that I am not most of the time anyway). Being the lone wolf in the house brought several things to my attention. Some of these things were positive while others were negative. You always want to hear the bad news first before the good news, so I figure why ruin a good thing.

1. Food
By far the biggest negative was my food issue. If you read my post "Pinterest Confessions" then you already know far too well my cooking abilities or lack there of. If not, I will give you a quick reminder. My entire cooking repertoire is eggs, cereal, sandwiches, mac n cheese, and hot dogs (especially cheesy hot dogs). This is the entire list I gathered verbatim from that post. Honestly I did not even plan it this way, but ironically (or not because those are my only options) those were the only things I ate for meals during my stay alone. Embarrassing, funny, empathetic. However you want to feel about that last statement is fine with me. Breakfast is always cereal. At Blue Bunny, I always have some sort of sandwich for my lunch.  I cannot recall for sure, but I think this was the exact order of my supper time meals starting Friday night and ending Tuesday night. Mac n cheese, hot dogs, sandwiches, eggs, mac n cheese. If I am going to remain single for long after my college days, I fear for my life due to being malnourished. Either that or my rock solid abs will turn into a flabby gut real quick. Oddly enough, both death and obesity severely limit my future options when it comes to a relationship.

Besides being a necessity for life, food was really my only problem, and for just a short while I seemed to manage just fine. Obviously I was a tiny bit lonely a couple hours over the weekend, but it was nice to just relax and be a lone ranger for a few days. Since I am naturally optimistic, it should not come by surprise that I have a few more positives than negatives. By numbering these, know that I am merely making a list rather than stack ranking them.

1. Laundry
When you first see laundry, you probably think "wait shouldn't this be a negative?" However, the laundry issue is about as far from negative as possible. In fact, so far from a negative that it turns out it's a positive (ironically I placed it in the positives). Just to note that when it comes to doing laundry I am stellar, and that may be an understatement. Family members can vouch for me on this one. Yet, for how good I am at doing laundry, I am at least twice as good at not doing laundry if I do not have to. Hopefully by now you are starting to get the hint. Yes of course I was wearing clothes when out in public thankfully (or not depending on how you want to take that). Home was really not that much different except that my articles of clothing were significantly reduced. Enough to walk out of the garage and move my car, but not enough to stay outside for long without the neighbors getting calls. I will let your mind wander from there and fill in the details however you wish. The point is that besides what I was wearing to work, there was not much else for laundry. That is a good thing.

2. Cleaning
Once again this may seem like a negative. However, cleaning kept me busy. After all, who doesn't enjoy the satisfaction of being able to lie down on the couch in a clean home. Thanks to my wonderful mother, I am very meticulous when it comes to the cleanliness of many areas of my living space. My room is allowed to be an organized mess. Everything else I prefer to be spotless, especially the man cave and kitchen. To my surprise (shocked face), when my family left it was far from spotless. So, thanks to my mom, thanks to my pig brothers, much of Saturday was spent getting some things in order. Even some of my college items which I did not even touch until the beginning of July last summer. Getting everything cleaned up, especially the kitchen, is essential for a pleasant arrival home. I need a couple quick scenarios to demonstrate the importance of this.

               Scenario A: When I was younger we came back from vacation (I believe it was Florida that time as well) and the house reeked of a stench worse than most people are capable of producing. Turns out that someone had left something in the microwave that ending up rotting. Woof!

               Scenario B: This past year at the 3003 all the roommates left for spring break. Learning from scenario A all my dishes were clean and put away when I left for break. A couple of my roommates were not as smart or just flat out lazier than I, because I came back to the stench of Scenario A's older brother. Lucky me, I was attempting to entertain a special guest and had to inform them to plug their nose as they entered the dorm. Then quickly state that it was my roommates fault and not mine.

It is safe to assume that when my dad arrives home he will be well pleased with a tidied-up home and a clean cut lawn. 

3. TV

There is nothing more important to a man watching TV than to have the remote. Even if it means watching a stupid show that your girlfriend/wife wants to watch, a man will be much more reluctant to watch if he is holding the remote (women that is your cue to take a note on how to get your man to watch something you want him to watch). By now you are probably questioning me because I have neither a girlfriend or a wife. However, I have brothers who do just as good of job at watching dumb shows as any girlfriend or wife. During my stay alone, I had control of both remotes to our big screen TV's at all times. I cannot even watch both at the same time, but knowing I had control to any TV is a great feeling. I never once had to worry about turning on the TV and having to watch Cake Boss or Pawn Stars for a split second before I quickly change the channel. Despite my little time to indulge in a lot of TV, those days at home by myself was probably the best TV viewing experience I have had in a long time (maybe ever). 

My time at home alone was a good time of peace of quiet. I did not have to adhere to any other's wishes or rules. I did exactly what I wanted to do when I wanted to do it. The positives always seem to outweigh the negatives, and once again this holds true. 

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