Before getting into the meat of the post, I need to continue the tradition I have started by giving a few shout outs. First and most important has to go to Isaac Schultz. Congratulations on bringing me out of retirement and making dreams come true to most of NWC Nation by having me write another post. Also, nice work making the blog go viral. Next shout out goes to Kassidy Cook for completing what I would consider to be about 2 years of course work in about 5 months. Congrats on reaching relationships 301. I am looking forward to when you reach relationships 401, but I need to inform you that you will never complete 401 until you die because passing 401 requires a complete understanding of the female specimen. The relationship courses bring a whole new meaning to life-long learner. Best of luck in your endeavor. Shout out to Ellis Libby for giving me the idea for this post. I have tinkered with the original idea to give it my own "Roll." I have decided to have Ellis Libby replace Josh Swore just for this post for giving me the idea. That being said, I would like to advertise Ellis to all my female readers. This man deserves to be in 201. Just remember ladies, though he may be grimy now, men always get better looking with age, especially business men like Ellis.
At the senior athletic banquet Ellis proposed that I write a post on senioritis. Most of the time this term refers to a college or high school senior who becomes lackadaisical in their work as graduation approaches. However, Ellis wanted me to blog about senioritis in NWC vernacular which then refers to people becoming stressed about finding a mate before they leave the 3003. Let's face it, if you do not get married at Northwestern you will never get married. Thus, senioritis has been stressing out students since 1902 (minus those couple of years in the 70s when NWC shut down). Quite frankly, I do not think I had enough material to write an entire post on senioritis, so I have decided to map out the life of NWC students. I honestly did not even want to write another post about relationships but that is what NWC wants to hear about.
Growing up one of my favorite types of books were those where you would choose one scenario and then that decision would affect the rest of the book. A choose your own ending type. I believe I have mastered something similar with the paths NWC students can take in regard to their dating lives at NWC. In this post, there will be times where you must choose your own path. You get to decide whether the path you choose is similar to real life or not, however I encourage you to decide on one path and stick with it. Every decision good or bad has brought you this far, might as well continue doing things as you have done before. Remember, the grass is always greener on the other side.
I have one final warning before I begin. The closer people get to retirement, the more lax they become about following the rules because who cares if you get fired. There are some who may find this to be my most offensive post. The past can hurt, and the truth can hurt. This is going to be good.
When you arrive at NWC you are either single or are in a relationship. As profound as that last statement was, it truly affects everything. If you are in a relationship when you get to NWC or enter one before Christmas break go to 1A. If you remained single during this time go to 1B. At anytime if you break up with your significant other head straight to 4.
1A
Nice work! If you are a guy, you most likely landed a very good looking girl. If you are a girl, congrats on being the girl that every other girl is jealous of for a few months. As awesome as this relationship is, it has its set backs. You have entered a relationship during a critical time in college when you are forming friend groups. Your friends are others who are dating and your significant other. This is fine but when it comes time to look for roommates for next year it seems like these are the people on the outside looking in. It will always seem like other people have formed a lot closer relationships with the members of the same sex. The fact is they do have better guy-guy/girl-girl relationships because you have been spending most of your time with your partner. You will probably miss out on some epic times when your friends are doing crazy things.
This route works out fine for many couples. You will get married before you graduate and be tapping into that tuition savings benefit of being married. Your road ends here happily married before graduation, your picture with the rock the day you became engaged, and having avoided all of the pressure of senioritis. Skip down to the second to last paragraph.
1B
Thank goodness! You have successful made it through the gauntlet that is the first 3 months at NWC. Guys, you were smart enough to avoid all the cling-ons and crazies. You already have enough funny stories for a lifetime. You also avoided making a dumb decision in your immaturity. Girls, nice job not falling for that first guy who showed immediate interest. You have taken a step back waiting for your own maturation process even if you eventually enter a relationship with that guy. I would recommend not dating freshman year at all, but there are certain individuals who are ready, especially girls (and double especially if the guy is a year or two older). However, by waiting until 2nd semester you have formed solid relationships with many people around you both men and women. Your journey continues to Sophomore year which is labeled 2.
2
Entering Sophomore year you are either in a new relationship or are still riding the single train. Sophomore and Junior year are very much alike and thus have been grouped together in this blog. If you are in or enter a relationship anytime during this period head to 2A. If you remained single during this entire period head to 2B.
2A
Your dating life is nice. Both parties are mature and are headed into a more serious phase of the relationship and life. You find yourself hanging out with friends, while also spending quality time with your significant other. Your friend group includes both singles and couples. Finding something to do is never difficult and fun is always awaiting. For women, I think this is a perfect spot to find yourself in. For men, this spot has a couple of negatives, but for the most part has nothing to regret. You have found yourself a solid wife-to-be. The drawback is that you are now responsible for your girlfriend and yourself. This can be time consuming and will cause you to miss out on being able to do whatever you want with your guy friends. On a positive note, you have matured a lot through some of the difficult times of a relationship. You are battle tested, but the leash only reaches so far in what you would consider a fun night. You are married between your senior year and a year or so after graduation. Your journey happily ends here. Enjoy the honeymoon!!!!
2B
You are either really ugly, really stupid, or really awesome. I would like to think I error on the awesome side and you can too. You made it to your senior year being single. In the past year, you have formed an awesome relationship with a member of the same sex you normally would not have done if it weren't for you being single. You have some of the craziest pranks and stories. Singles are gathering together, forming friend groups apart from their fellow couple friends which always end with a hilarious and widely inappropriate night. Scroll down to 4 to see where your senior year will take you.
4
Being single is epic. During your 3 years leading up to now you have also come to realize that all guys are immature or every single girl you are interested in does not seem to understand why you would be perfect together. The pickings are slim. Senioritis begins to hit you hard. You do not want to settle for any girl/guy, but time is of the essence. If you enter a relationship during your senior year go to 2A. If you made it your entire 4 years being single or graduated single due to breakups head to 4A.
4A
You have avoided senioritis! You are an endangered species. You made it through the entire game, but somehow you lost. Riddle me that. Your parents are becoming anxious if you will ever find someone. Trying to meet Christian singles in the business world is like trying to find Waldo except you have no clue what they are wearing. For women in this situation, I am sorry to inform you that your MRS degree was a failure. You will get married eventually based on statistics, but the time frame you had in mind is probably long gone. If you are a dude, props to you minus your high school friends questioning if you are gay or not (who really cares what people in high school think though). Before long, every toy you dreamed of having when you were younger will be a reality. A boat, a motorcycle, a four wheeler, a jet ski, or whatever will eventually make its way to you. School loans are quickly (or relatively quickly) paid off due to a lack of expenses. There has been a detrimental drop in your health as frozen pizzas and PB&J sandwiches are no longer keeping your six pack abs intact. Some of your close friends may joke that you are destined for a life of celibacy. No worries, statistically you will get married as well. Your journey continues until the man/woman of your dreams comes along. Return to the beginning of 4A and repeat until married. Until then, enjoy the free time and a full wallet.
There you have it. The Single Games. Each path is a little different, but based on the numbers all roads will lead to marriage for more than 90%. After reading this (only if you made it to 4A), it may be in your best interest to start wearing red and white with blue jeans just in case someone takes my Where's Waldo reference to heart. May the odds be ever in your favor.
Lastly, I need to announce my retirement in case this post does not get enough views. I want to thank all my viewers, especially the women because we all know your views count as double. Lastly, I want to thank myself for being awesome.
Keep Rollin Yahtzee's
