Before I make you fall on the floor in laughter and awe at my amazing blog, I need to make mention of a few things. First of all, I have neglected to give a warm welcome to those keeping tabs on the blog to make sure I keep it clean: Captain Kirk (Coach Talley), Greg Johnson, and maybe Beth Wilmeth (optimism for another female follower). Thanks for the extra 2-3 views. Optimism for another female follower leads me to my second thing I need to mention. Shout out to Lauren Cleope for being an avid follower. Female views count as double and NWC's finest bloggers (Cook and I) appreciate it.
We are gearing up for my favorite time of year. Football season. More specifically college football season. With the college season quickly approaching comes many things. NCAA Football 13 which is a great game by the way. However you can be thankful I am not writing about my NCAA 13 dynasty (that would be a sweet blog but I am afraid I would start attracting the Chapstick crowd). What I am talking about is all the media days for the major BCS conferences that are going on this week. I was not summoned up to Minnesota this week so I am assuming the UMAC is not having a media day. That is why I am doing media day for NWC myself. I want to introduce you to the Eagle seniors you can expect to be tearing it up this year. All players are in numerical order based on last year's number except Cyle DeBoer which I will explain.
#29 Cyle DeBoer
Cyle is placed first because in the Highlight Reel blog I forgot to mention Cyle as part of the "hecklers" until I went back and edited it. So Cyle is now receiving his spotlight in this blog by being first. From the boonies of Ogilvie, MN, Cyle is as white as they come which equals nasty sharp shooter from deep. That is right I am talking about basketball when this is a football media day. Intramural season is almost as important to a few of us seniors as the football season. Cyle is the X-Factor on a Miami Heat-esque dominant team seeking its first championship.
Nickname: Cyle does not really have a nickname. Has been called Clyde by a few professors, but other than that he is known on a first name basis.
#2 Zach Markwith
Once an Iowan now a Hawaiian. Let's be honest Zach fits much better as a Hawaiian than an Iowan. Zach is very well known on the Hamline campus as the Nortwestern JV quarterback who made the immaculate throw on fourth down, and eventually finishing off the drive with a TD and two point conversion to win the game. At the 3003 Zach is known for his incredible arsenal of movie quotes and amazing skill in imitations.
Nickname: For George Palke, his real name is Markwirth or Markeef so they turned into nicknames for us along with the classic Flyin Hawaiian.
#3 Mitch Swanson
Nickname: Goose
I needed to start with the nickname portion on Mitch because Goose is more like his real name than an actual nickname. Goose has a whole other language that he speaks. When talking to Goose you may hear him say "What up mo?" or refer to other people as cats. Another thing to know about Goose is that his goal every day is to get as many people as he can to flinch. The scratch of the eyebrow is a trick tried by most of the football team but only Goose has truly mastered the scratch and mastered avoiding the flinch after the scratch. Nothing happens if you flinch except a good laugh for the master himself.
#10 Josh Balzer
My roommate and domestic partner for at least 2 years. I refuse to live without the man until he finds a wife. May I add that Josh is without a doubt the most eligible bachelor at NWC. For a few years his civil engineering homework has kept him booked (that was punny) in the room avoiding almost all relations with a female. Josh's celebrity look-a-like is Andrew Luck. What is scary is that they are more than just look-a-likes. They are both engineering majors with nearly identical personalities. Every time I watch a Luck interview I suspect Josh would give the same answers.
Nickname: I believe the Fake Bobbo (Robert A Wolcyn) started the nicknames for Balzer which none of them will be mentioned on this blog. Just to note that an acceptable nickname and used by the female crowd is J-Balz.
#25 Cody Durkee
The most sarcastic of any one of the seniors. Flat out hilarious. I can guarantee multiple laughs by only being around him for just a few minutes. To fully understand Durkee all you need to know is that his apartment was coined as the "chill zone."
Nickname: Cody does not have a nickname that I am aware of, so he is referred to by his last name. Durkee.
#28 Kendall Sommerlot
A former Pocahontas Indian but a lifelong Iowan. Kendall was an original instigator of short shorts Thursdays which provoked Talley to an infamous speech. Kendall has the body of a Greek god. Zeus would be embarrassed with his shirt off around Kendall. It is almost illegal for Kendall to have a shirt on. If some shenanigans is to be pulled, Kendall is a man you want on your team. This guy is flawless with pranks (see Highlight Reel).
Nickname: 4:30 or Yaminashi
#41 Matt Dammann
Matt is the craziest of all the seniors and a joy to be around. Matt is one of many notable athletes at NWC to call Bloomington home. Matt was scolded for being immature on the first day of camp last year (see highlight reel). Matt also was probably the first one to ever bring a speedo to breakaway. He was one of the founders of the Eagle Award and most definitely would have won the award himself. Matt prides himself with hang cleans in the weight room. Matt is part of the higher quality individuals on the football team.
Nickname: Dammo
#42 Kabakas Clark
Straight from Bartow, Florida I could barely understand his dialect when he first arrived in Minnesota. One word I kept hearing was the word finna. I had never heard this before in my hicktown of Hinton. Kabakas taught me the word finna and it has been part of my vocabulary ever since. I want to thank him for that. Kabakas has probably undergone the most change in his 4 years. He has gone from Bartow thug to semi-white Northwesterner. My favorite Kabakas moment was when Burrs hit Coach Moore in the head with a bag and Kabakas' response was "he done hit him in the head."
Nickname: Kabakas has more nicknames than anyone at NWC and that is a fact. Kabby, Coco, Coco Bear to name a few. Alternative spellings and pronunciations of his name are also allowed - Kabeckus and Kabakus.
#44 Joey Bauman
The only high school football state champion on the team. I roomed with Joey freshman year and am the reason he has developed insomnia. Joey is an assassin and the only person on the team I would legitimately not mess with. Joey sleeps with both eyes open and has eyes in the back of his head. A sizable knife can be found in his night stand next to his bed. The best gamer I have ever known and will beat you in any shooting video game. A force not to be reckoned with, especially with a weapon in his hands.
Nickname: Big Stick
#49 Kassidy Cook
A fellow Iowan and worthy of the high calling when from Iowa. The funniest man on twitter that I follow and it is not even close. His social media skills are unmatched, and may I add a fellow blogger (thoughtsfromtheguardshack.blogspot.com). Has been known to have some classy facial hair. He has been seen with a fu manchu and a mustache along with the normal goatee/beard. Kassidy was all-state on both sides of the ball in high school, and I have been trying for three years to get him to play offensive line. Perhaps this year he will reach his full potential on the offensive side of the ball.
Nickname: Kassidy is another one of the guys whose last name serves as his nickname. Cook.
#72 Ryan Friesen
Another one of B-Towns finest and working on his second year as a starter on the offensive line. Ryan has worked hard his years at Northwestern and has put on a considerable amount of mass. His celebrity look-a-like is Nick Mangold of the Jets. Ryan has been working on the locks for quite sometime now, and I expect them to be flowing out of the back of his helmet this year. The last thing I want to mention about Ryan is the extreme deepness of his voice. He is not quiet at all and can be heard from what seems to be miles out.
Nickname: Deep Freeze
#99 Valentine Awasom
Valentine roomed with Kabakas for a few weeks freshman year and this was the first time I could not understand a conversation between two men in English. Valentine is the first person I have ever seen eat chicken bone marrow and eat part of the pits of fruit. Food will not be wasted around this man. The first and only player ever at NWC to wear the 1S jersey. Since his running back days are over, this practice jersey has been retired.
Nickname: He does not have a true nickname but referring to him as "puppy" or "son" will do.
Just a note that these were the seniors participating in senior meetings. Other seniors include Brian Lecheler, Justin Horsch, Alex Zeller, Jeremy Langness, Cody Kielsa, and All-American Dave Kleiner-Wanna Be Josh Swore. I am extremely excited for the season to start and could not be more happy with the guys that I get to enjoy the ride with.
Keep Rollin Yahtzees
Saturday, July 21, 2012
Monday, July 9, 2012
Male Phenomenons
One successful date for an avid follower and 30 pageviews later I am up and at it again. I cannot say how honored I am for a friend to give some credit to a blog for getting him a date. I have a tough time believing I had anything to do with it, but it serves as a good laugh and I appreciate that. My last post really tried to captivate the audience of both sexes and it appears as though it worked. Hopefully you ladies keep checking in.
So I am working at Blue Bunny (a post on Blue Bunny coming early August) and have a good amount of time to just sit and relax by myself. While I am just sitting in a warm up room by myself, I all of a sudden come to the realization of some of the phenomenons of being a man. Being a man is truly a high calling, but there are some things about men that could make you, especially women, wonder if we men are a different species all together.
It is a proven fact that women are more influenced by how a man smells rather than how he looks. This is a detriment to being a man. Let me prove my point in the first phenomenon of being a man. Men smell. I cannot explain why but men have forever been haunted with smelliness. This fact can be proven through a simple experiment. Take 5 or 6 guys and place them in an enclosed room such a dorm room. Have all of them enter freshly showered. Have the room set at comfortable room temperature around 70 degrees with a fan keeping the temperature constant. Make sure no man is physically touching another man which ensures there is plenty of leg room and space. The number one rule is no farting (this is impossible but for experiment sake it must be controlled). Turn on a movie for a couple hours and once the movie is over have a lady enter the room and it will stink. Each individual man will smell fine, but for some reason the collective group will have some major BO. I will never be able to explain why this is, but ladies we cannot help it and have no way of stopping it. It truly is head-scratcher.
My sister-in-law was down for a weekend and was complaining about my brothers outfit. He was wearing these moccasin type slippers that she was not too pleased about because they should not be worn out of the house according to her. Why is it that for years women have been trying to regulate what their spouses are wearing. I realize that if he is too sloppy it reflects on her but come on wearing moccasins to visit family seems far fetched to worry about. What really bothers wives is typically the man's entire wardrobe. Men could care less about getting new clothes as long as the old ones still fit. Why waste the money? I see no problem with wearing a shirt or pair of jeans you have from high school if still fits. Ladies are up in arms about this. It's ludicrous in their eyes. Men want comfort and there is nothing more comfortable than a pair of underwear or an old shirt that has adapted to our bodies curves, and men will hold onto these clothes like we hold onto the remote. Women on the other hand cannot bear the idea of not having new outfits and not wearing the same 5 shirts before she does the laundry again. The underlying reason for this is women just want to shop. Women want fashion and men could not care less about fashion as long as it is comfortable. This explains the underwear with huge holes in them, sweatpants all the time, walking around in just underwear when its appropriate, and of course the infamous slippers that every man has.
One of my favorite TV shows is Rules of Engagement and on an episode a couple weeks ago the married man went maternity shopping with his wife. He ended up leaving the store with a pair of maternity jeans for himself. This is brilliant and every man loves the idea of pants that expand at the waste. Not only does this avoid having to buy bigger pants when men get fatter, it also keeps us from unbottoning the pants after a big meal. Why is it that only men have to unbutton their pants after eating a lot? Maybe because we are creatures of no manners, but the women do not even have a desire to loosen up their waste line after chowing down. Perhaps the women would feel fat if they did or perhaps they refuse to stoop that low with their manners. Either or this act is meant only for the male species. Every man understands the importance of wearing sweatpants on Thanksgiving or the pants will be unbuttoned to make room for dessert.
The final phenomenon of the male species is the idea of the ultimate bathroom. Every man dreams of a bathroom with a reclining toilet, fridge, and a TV. The only reason I can think of to explain this is because this is the only room in the house that men can truly claim as their own. This is the throne room for men. All other rooms are controlled by the women with decorations. No matter how old, men for centuries have seen the importance of having something to do while they relieve themselves. Magazines are a thing of the past for current generations and men have moved on to the laptop/smartphone era. I would venture to say more men spend time on Facebook on the pot than any other specific time of the day. Men will go to obscure lengths to ensure their time on the pot is not wasted. TV's in the bathroom will hit its era in the near future, and oh hasten that day. Women there is absolutely nothing you can do about this. You have to let the man own the bathroom. Women spend much more time in the bathroom, but this is due to lengthy showers, hair/makeup, and there is always a mirror in the bathroom. When it comes to doing business, men spend much longer which is why the laptop among other things are vitally important if men are to have a successful time dropping a deuce.
Know that this list is far from exhaustive and there are countless other male phenomenons. I apologize if you leave this post scratching your head at manhood just as much as before you starting reading. I attempted to explain some of the strangest male phenomenons, but sometimes there are things that will always be left unexplained. Thus the fact that they are phenomenons.
Keep Rolling Yahtzees
So I am working at Blue Bunny (a post on Blue Bunny coming early August) and have a good amount of time to just sit and relax by myself. While I am just sitting in a warm up room by myself, I all of a sudden come to the realization of some of the phenomenons of being a man. Being a man is truly a high calling, but there are some things about men that could make you, especially women, wonder if we men are a different species all together.
It is a proven fact that women are more influenced by how a man smells rather than how he looks. This is a detriment to being a man. Let me prove my point in the first phenomenon of being a man. Men smell. I cannot explain why but men have forever been haunted with smelliness. This fact can be proven through a simple experiment. Take 5 or 6 guys and place them in an enclosed room such a dorm room. Have all of them enter freshly showered. Have the room set at comfortable room temperature around 70 degrees with a fan keeping the temperature constant. Make sure no man is physically touching another man which ensures there is plenty of leg room and space. The number one rule is no farting (this is impossible but for experiment sake it must be controlled). Turn on a movie for a couple hours and once the movie is over have a lady enter the room and it will stink. Each individual man will smell fine, but for some reason the collective group will have some major BO. I will never be able to explain why this is, but ladies we cannot help it and have no way of stopping it. It truly is head-scratcher.
My sister-in-law was down for a weekend and was complaining about my brothers outfit. He was wearing these moccasin type slippers that she was not too pleased about because they should not be worn out of the house according to her. Why is it that for years women have been trying to regulate what their spouses are wearing. I realize that if he is too sloppy it reflects on her but come on wearing moccasins to visit family seems far fetched to worry about. What really bothers wives is typically the man's entire wardrobe. Men could care less about getting new clothes as long as the old ones still fit. Why waste the money? I see no problem with wearing a shirt or pair of jeans you have from high school if still fits. Ladies are up in arms about this. It's ludicrous in their eyes. Men want comfort and there is nothing more comfortable than a pair of underwear or an old shirt that has adapted to our bodies curves, and men will hold onto these clothes like we hold onto the remote. Women on the other hand cannot bear the idea of not having new outfits and not wearing the same 5 shirts before she does the laundry again. The underlying reason for this is women just want to shop. Women want fashion and men could not care less about fashion as long as it is comfortable. This explains the underwear with huge holes in them, sweatpants all the time, walking around in just underwear when its appropriate, and of course the infamous slippers that every man has.
One of my favorite TV shows is Rules of Engagement and on an episode a couple weeks ago the married man went maternity shopping with his wife. He ended up leaving the store with a pair of maternity jeans for himself. This is brilliant and every man loves the idea of pants that expand at the waste. Not only does this avoid having to buy bigger pants when men get fatter, it also keeps us from unbottoning the pants after a big meal. Why is it that only men have to unbutton their pants after eating a lot? Maybe because we are creatures of no manners, but the women do not even have a desire to loosen up their waste line after chowing down. Perhaps the women would feel fat if they did or perhaps they refuse to stoop that low with their manners. Either or this act is meant only for the male species. Every man understands the importance of wearing sweatpants on Thanksgiving or the pants will be unbuttoned to make room for dessert.
The final phenomenon of the male species is the idea of the ultimate bathroom. Every man dreams of a bathroom with a reclining toilet, fridge, and a TV. The only reason I can think of to explain this is because this is the only room in the house that men can truly claim as their own. This is the throne room for men. All other rooms are controlled by the women with decorations. No matter how old, men for centuries have seen the importance of having something to do while they relieve themselves. Magazines are a thing of the past for current generations and men have moved on to the laptop/smartphone era. I would venture to say more men spend time on Facebook on the pot than any other specific time of the day. Men will go to obscure lengths to ensure their time on the pot is not wasted. TV's in the bathroom will hit its era in the near future, and oh hasten that day. Women there is absolutely nothing you can do about this. You have to let the man own the bathroom. Women spend much more time in the bathroom, but this is due to lengthy showers, hair/makeup, and there is always a mirror in the bathroom. When it comes to doing business, men spend much longer which is why the laptop among other things are vitally important if men are to have a successful time dropping a deuce.
Know that this list is far from exhaustive and there are countless other male phenomenons. I apologize if you leave this post scratching your head at manhood just as much as before you starting reading. I attempted to explain some of the strangest male phenomenons, but sometimes there are things that will always be left unexplained. Thus the fact that they are phenomenons.
Keep Rolling Yahtzees
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