Ring by Spring Theory

Ring by Spring Theory

Greetings my friends. Welcome to my roll on life. Which as of late has turned into Dear Tim: Counseling Services for the Relationally Impaired. This is the blog where all walks of Christian relationships come yearning for my advice.

I made a deal with my president of marketing, Isaac Schultz, to continue this blog as long as the views reached a certain amount. My last post reached satisfactory views, but I continued to retirement. As of late, it has left a bad taste in my mouth. This could be due to the exorbitant amount of Air Heads I have consumed in the past few weeks. All joking aside, I need to properly end my career with an uncovered topic essential to finalizing my relationship portfolio.

After this post is complete, I will say my farewell to this blog. The Schultz Agreement is over. Graduation is upon me and this will be the end. Pause for emotional moment.

Allow me to take a quick break in the flow of the blog to wrap up a tradition unlike any other, the shoutout. I need to toot my own horn briefly. Of all the people I have given shoutouts, their relational performance receives an instant boost. This only applies to male shoutouts, unless taking the Sadie Hawkins Dance approach, because the men are the ones asking the women. Josh Swore, Rob Reynolds, and Kassidy Cook all have moved on from the single ranks shortly after receiving shoutouts. Ellis Libby and Isaac Schultz are the others who have received shoutouts. I cannot comment on their current status but at the lowest 60% is remarkably high. There seems to be a statistical correlation between the shoutout and the relationship, so I am taking most of the credit. Enough blasphemy for one day. My final shoutout is a statistical outlier. The relationship enigma: Joshua E. Balzer son of Nate. Rabbi Balzer is about to be the second most eligible bachelor in the working world behind Tim Tebow. Congratulations on taking the job at MFRA: MF Rick Associates (MF abbreviated for censorship). If this shoutout preludes a relationship within the next few months without any rhyme or reason, I will take full credit.

Over the years, I have successfully navigated my audience through the necessary elements of relationships: General advice in 101, How to Read Men Like a Book in 102, The Single Games, Tips for Women in 103. What could I have possibly been missing? Tips for men? How to read women like a book? Regrettably, no advice will fix the smelly, nasty, immature, and uncaring man. As for reading women like a book, women cannot even read women, so I rest my case. What was this empty void crying out to be solved? Answer: the science behind everything. A theory explaining the nuances.

I absolutely love economics and its theories. Perhaps this is due to my ability to grasp theoretical complexities easily. After all, it is hard to enjoy a subject not easily understood. Need not to worry. I have combined relationships and economics to form the Ring by Spring Theory.

I am almost certain that Plato, Aristotle, Adam Smith, or possibly even Zeno of Citium (my favorite philosopher) would have come up with this idea first. However, I bet I have been closer to a relationship than these men. I will give my greatest attempt to explain this theory in the simplest fashion so everyone can share in its wisdom.

Get in a comfortable position, possibly use the restroom quick (if you aren’t already there), and grab something to eat or drink because like all theoretical writings this has some girth. I have already eclipsed 600 words and I have not even started the meat of the blog.

I can already hear it. Someone frustrated with me after reading this post saying I am objectifying women and men. I promise this is not the case. Remove all emotions for the time being. Think rationally. I have attempted to put items in quotations to hopefully avoid the issue.

If there is one thing that is an absolute deal breaker, it is desperate women. I cannot speak for the women, but I have to believe this is true on their end as well. I coined the phrase “Stage 5 Cling-On” (Klingon for my Star Trek readers will also suffice) my freshman year to describe them. The Saint and I were riding together in the RCA-mobile a few weeks ago. To my dismay, I cannot quote the speaker on the radio verbatim. She said something along the lines that men can spot a desperate woman from a mile away. She was spot on and was the spark to my Ring by Spring Theory.

I will honestly admit I am cold and heartless at times, but on the bright side logic and rationality decipher how I make decisions. When I see a very attractive girl in relationship with a tool, I struggle to feel sorry for her. On that same note, when I see a really cool guy with a girl he clearly settled for, I laugh. If only there was a theory out there to explain how this could happen.

This theory will hold true based on five highly logical and reasonable assumptions.

For theory sake, I am assuming that each individual has a market value. Market value refers to the worth of a good or service determined by the price people are willing to pay for it. (Here come the haters I warned about. Women are not to be seen as something that can be bought or sold. Tim you are an awful person) I will argue that even in a vacuum some people will naturally have a higher market value. In a perfect world this would not be the case, but in a perfect world socialism would work. Carrie Underwood’s market value is going to be greater than Fran Stalinovskovichdavidovitchsky. For women, [insert insanely hot man]’s market value will be greater than Quasimodo. The good news is all Christians should hold a higher market value than the world.

The second assumption I have to make is based on one’s decisions you can increase or decrease your own market value. In the free market this is a reality. For example, if the United States government began printing money uncontrollably, there would be rapid inflation and money would begin to lose its value. If the United States government slowed its money production, deflation would occur and money would gain value. Simple enough right? This reality probably goes unrealized when talking about relationships and your personal market value. Thus, the ingenious Ring by Spring Theory.  

Hopefully I haven’t lost you already. Not to worry if I have. I will provide a picture and more explanations to follow.

Based on the intelligence of this audience, I am sure some of you have figured out the theory already. Feel free to discontinue reading. However, I promise the next few minutes finishing this blog will have a greater opportunity cost than anything you may try to do in the same amount of time.

The third assumption is the supply of men/women is relatively elastic. A relatively small change in price will cause a relatively large change in quantity. In laymen’s terms, a small change in the availability of an individual has great impact on the quantity demanded. I will explain this in greater detail later.

The fourth assumption is the demand of men/women is relatively inelastic. A relatively large change in price will cause a relatively small change in quantity. Simply put, if the price of a relationship skyrocketed the amount of relationships would remain basically unchanged. Gasoline is a common tangible example of relatively inelastic demand. If gas was $5 a gallon people would still buy gas.

The fifth and final assumption is all men/women are or will be demanded for a relationship. This assumption is truly the backbone to everything. The theory will crash and burn without it. Market value hinges on this concept. Because the stakes are so high, I will debunk any thought you could be this person. For this assumption to be false there has to be no man/woman EVER to have interest in a relationship with you. Even if you are unaware of this interest, it still counts because they have subconsciously addressed the market value situation. It would be a statistical anomaly for someone like this to exist.

With those assumptions in mind, let’s continue into the theory. There are two angles to take on with this theory. I already alluded to the first with my “Stage 5 Cling-on” comment. Being desperate, increasing your supply, reduces your market value. The second angle is high confidence, decreasing your supply, increases your market value. Confidence is the opposite of desperate in this situation. Less confident individuals settle for less than others with high confidence. This is the intuition behind why desperate is a turnoff. No matter the sex, confidence is an attractive trait. Let’s take them in order.

As part of the third assumption, being more available decreases the quantity demanded. This seems backwards, but let me explain further. Conventional wisdom may indicate wanting to be supplied in higher quantities. More supply equals more opportunity to be purchased. A girl may wish to be “purchased” by a lot of men. However, if many men are able to “purchase” a woman, her asking price is too low. She has over supplied herself (made herself too available) and become a commodity. In economic terms, a commodity has no real proprietary value. She has become just like millions of other women. In the eyes of men, she is no different. The opposite effect also holds true. If no man has shown interest, your asking price is too high. Increase supply in miniscule amounts to test the market.

Without a solid understanding of economics, it may appear that a high asking price is a signal of low demand. Actually, the opposite is true. A high market price indicates low supply, or high demand. Exhibit A. Jack and Jill go to the same college. Jack is always talking to girls. Jack is desperately trying to find “the one” but each relationship seems to slip through the cracks. Jill always thought Jack was good looking. Yet, when Jack asks her on a date his senior year, Jill turns him down. The moral of the story is Jack over supplied himself. The good news is he can recover his market value. Time is his ally if he wishes to regain it.   

The second angle says decreasing your supply increases your market value. Men/women should strive to be supplied in low quantities. This would mean your value is very high. Economically this is known as a luxury item. Lamborghini’s supply is much lower than Toyota’s. I would call the CEO of Lamborghini a nutbar factor 6 if he increased the supply to that of Toyota. The car would lose value.

Exhibit B. Jack and Jill go to the same college. Jack has a huge crush on Jill. Jack is an average man, but Jill is a fox. Jill’s market price is paramount to her other classmates. Unless Jack believes his market value is equally high (aka confidence), he will not attempt to ask Jill on a date. Why is this the case? Jill is in high demand, but her asking price is also high warding off those of lesser value.

If you have not seen the movie Frozen yet, you have to do it. Great movie and it also has a lot of Biblical principles behind it as well. Why am I bringing up a random movie? What does Frozen have to do with the Ring by Spring Theory? Do you suppose Anna over supplied herself a tad? What happened to her? I was sitting in the theater thinking to myself, there is no way Hans is sincere. He cannot be all about that Stage 5 Cling-on. Sure enough – different motives. I have no problem with the speed of the relationship. My issue was her mindset before even stepping outside the gates. “Maybe I will meet the one.” With no apparent communication with any men ever, she set out to find him. Her decisions and motives were based on emotions. Shrek could have proposed to her that day and she would have said yes. I know this is a Disney movie, but her desperation level is nothing new. Classic example of the Ring by Spring Theory.

I am well over 1000 words already, and I promised a picture to explain the theory.

Price is on the vertical axis and quantity on the horizontal. S is the supply curve and D the demand. As depicted in the graph, decreasing your supply, S to S¹, (shifting to the left) increases your market value. The opposite direction holds true as well. Starting at S¹ and increasing your supply (shift to the right) will result in a lower market value. Also notice how the quantity changes as well. Increasing value causes a reduction in quantity and vice versa.

Am I off my rocker for not explaining why this is called Ring by Spring Theory? Perhaps I do not need to do so because the light bulb has already triggered. Just in case, I will complete the jig-saw puzzle.

The Ring by Spring Theory explains how to get the coveted ring by spring. Do you want a rock on your finger? Increase your supply and lower your standards and you will find yourself headed towards a ring (or purchasing a ring). The best of both worlds cannot be achieved. If you want to reach for the perfect 10, desperation is not the answer.

Have you ever heard this, “soon as you stop looking for a relationship, you will find one?” Let’s assess this paradox from the basis of the Ring by Spring Theory. A reduction in your supply occurs because you ‘quit looking for a relationship.’ This comes across as increased confidence. After some time, your market value increases and you are sought after in higher demand. Funny how this works. It truly is this simple.

There is one loophole when the Ring by Spring Theory must not be used and applied. I would be doing a disservice to my audience if I did not inform you of this loophole before finishing. Once mutual interest has been identified, restricting supply does not work to increase market value. At this point, restricting supply comes across as lost interest. Any interest that was present will quickly fade. Relationships transcend the theory of economic markets. This fact is due to the way relationships work. Relationships are about giving. As soon as one partner feels/thinks they are giving a lot more in the relationship it is going to have some problems. Unconditional love is not rational. Self-interest is found among the single ranks. At its core, the desire for singleness is extremely selfish. In a way, the Ring by Spring Theory also explains why extremely rational individuals have such a hard time with love. So much application, so awesome.

I am not asking for everyone to completely rid themselves of all emotions. That would be impossible. It would be a nice change for people to be more rational so perhaps some of these Jack and Jill scenarios never take place. I am disturbed every time I see people (especially women) make irrational decisions when it comes to relationships because in the end (just like in Frozen) the girl pays for it not the man. For it is my belief that if they had a little more information and knowledge they would make the right choice. Economics is all about personal decisions and how it affects the whole market. The purpose of my relationship blogs have always been to educate and influence personal decisions to create the best market possible.

There you have it folks. The Ring by Spring Theory: perhaps one of the greatest relationship theories in the history of western civilization. My ultimate hope is people would apply this theory. My intentions have always been to better the relationship world dating all the way back to 101, despite how much of a jerk I may have come across as. Everything I have ever said I meant with full sincerity. That is the beauty of this blog. Entertainment and truth combined to form the Utopia of blogs.

Effective immediately as of May 7, 2014 I am retiring from the blogging world. The Schultz Agreement is over. I did have a previous agreement with @UNW_DatingTips to give them a shoutout in return for advertising my blog. I refrained from giving them a shoutout, thus leaving the decision up to them if they wish to advertise it or not. I am opting out of all other legal obligations I may have been subject to.

The 101 started it all
Next reading men if you recall
A couple failed blogs sprinkled in
Relationships, the blog’s linchpin
A fake retirement came and went
The Single Games, a news event
Ideas were no longer mine
The audience was my pipeline
Shoutouts stuck for tradition sake
Better than a Salisbury steak
Continuing Schultz’s Agreement
300 views, my appeasement
A relationship advisor
If only I were far wiser
The journey has always been great
We knew retirement was my fate
This blog is no more like Lot’s wife
So long to Yahtzee’s Roll on Life

Relationships 103: Tips for Women

The agreed upon deal has granted me another chance to spew out my vast knowledge to UNW Nation and all other readers around the globe. Fat chance that I actually get a view from anywhere but in the United States, however I decided it sounded good. Statistically speaking based on the amount of internet users world wide maybe one person was looking for relationship advice and they stumbled upon greatness. Back to my original point, I have reached the appropriate number of views from the previous post and a topic has been nominated.

I apologize for the late arrival of this blog, but my computer was out of commission for a few days while I waited for a power cord to be sent to the bachelor pad in Brookings.

Perhaps the only reason some people read my blog is due to the shout out portion. I love the tradition I have created with this segment. The small chance that one can reach celebrity status on such a prestigious blog as mine gravitates people to this section. Unless of course you are Josh Swore and it has become routine to be name dropped. The shout out correlates to a little under 10 seconds of fame assuming between an 8th or 9th grade reading level based on the 1993 National Assessment of Adult Literacy. Let's move right into the 10 second slots. Feel free to time yourself if you are self conscious about your reading level. Shout out to Isaac Schultz who has become my president of marketing and doing a fabulous job I might add. He is responsible for bringing me out of retirement and helping to keep the blog afloat. Shout out to @UNW_DatingTips (we have a quid pro-quo relationship) who also markets my blog to almost 400 UNW students. I appreciate the advertising and would like to encourage all who do not follow them to do so immediately. Shout out to Prez Cureton for possibly reading this blog. Schultz has done wonders on this marketing piece and I would be honored to have the Bigga Figga (helps to say in a gangsta voice) become a fervent reader. Finally, I need to give a well deserved shout out to Rob Reynolds. Robbie Baby! Rob has graciously provided the topic for this blog. A quick side note I need to add before wrapping up Rob's shout out portion. Rob has showed an unbelievable amount of hospitality at the Merrill home and if any lady is lucky enough to take advantage of that I highly recommend it. After all, my affections for the deer stand and Balzer sleeping below are vast, but parting ways from the house for a certain female would bring honor to both the deer stand and another land lord's pocket book. 

Once again I am being asked to present on an idea I have no real credibility. I am bewildered as to why people even read my blogs on relationship advice. This blog has become the male version of Dear Abby. Twice have I tried my luck on asking a female on a date. The responses were opposite but the end result was shared. Eons of dating history has allowed me to formulate theories not intended to be known by the common man. As always, before continuing be prepared for absolute truth. May I recommend a few things to the women? The intent of this post is to create irresistible women through advice for continuous improvement. Taking knowledge from Relationships 102: How to Read Men Like a Book and now this post, women readers of my blog should be dropping like flies from the single ranks. Relationships 103: Tips for Women. 

Tip #1 Cosmetics

This section contains tips on hair, makeup, and tanning. 

It has long been known that men are attracted to longer hair. I will not go into why this is the case (I know why but will not say), but it is true. Careful to not be extreme with this tip because hair down to one's buttocks is a 'hair' too long for my liking and I believe I speak for all men. Short hair can provide a great look for some women, however a quick story will illustrate why this is not ideal. When my sister got back from Bolivia, she had cut off a few inches of her hair. Before the cut, she had hair slightly past her shoulders (at least I think so) and after the cut it was not below her neck. The cut did not look bad by any means but it gave her what I call a "mom" look. Mom's usually have shorter hair because it is one less thing for babies to be pulling at above the belt. It is only hair and will grow back, but if you are trying to get your hots on I suggest longer hair. 

My final suggestion on hair is to be wary of color change. For some apparent reason, women feel the need to change their look with more frequency than men would like. Even though it may not be true, whenever I see a girl changing her look frequently it screams lack of self confidence. By changing her look I am not referring to straightening, curling, or whatever else ladies do on a daily basis. Small changes like those may actually generate an extremely favorable response. If a man goes as far as complimenting the change without the girl asking, he is a huge fan and his true thoughts are "wow you look gorgeous today." (It does not count if you ask him what he thinks because that is the same trap as the classic overweight girl asking "do I look fat?" either he lies or gets slapped in the face. Lose-lose even if he does legitimately like the change) The most dangerous of color changes involves red. There are plenty of women who look good with their natural red hair, however switching to ginger status is never an upgrade for a natural blonde or brunette. Please do every man a favor and keep your natural color - highlights acceptable. 

As far as makeup goes, men greatly respect a woman who takes time to get ready each morning. However, there is a big difference between putting on some makeup and looking like you fell face first into wedding cake. The more natural the look the better. No makeup at all is a medium risk-astronomical reward situation. A fear of every man is to wake up in the morning and not recognize his wife. Makeup will never cause a woman to make a huge leap in 1-10 rating scale. Less is more.

I wrap up the cosmetics section with my advice on tanning. Tan women look good. Contrary to popular belief, orange is not so good. There is not a natural mate for the orange people. In my opinion, they fall into a completely new race. If you do not take my advice on tanning I suggest transferring to Syracuse where you will most likely be received with open arms and a complimentary bag of cheetos on the house. I have never seen the sun create an orange girl so be cautious of tanning beds. Being pasty in the winter in the frozen tundra is expected.

Tip #2 Texting

I call this section texting but really I expand it all the way out to any sort of communication through messaging. This is where women have the power. For the most part, a man's messaging does not involve anything but words and periods. Women on the other hand use all the fancy buttons  ! :) ;) :( :0 :/. If he is found using these fancy buttons please refer back to "How to Read Men Like a Book" and realize he likes you. Let me explain how women really have the power here. This is an excellent way for a girl to show interest very early on. It is light, easy, and does not seem out of place. Men are animals and stupid on the side. When a girl thinks she is giving subtle hints, I would venture to say that the guy has no clue a majority of the time. Sometimes guys need a little extra nudge for him to realize there is potential. Ideally, men would just walk around and say "hey, you are good looking. Let's go on a date." Society has made everything so complicated. Unfortunately, most Christian women would think he is coming on a little too strong if a man displayed this kind of behavior (or he would instantaneously fall into the creepy or charming category based solely on his looks). I am always a huge fan of men initiating anything big, it is up to you whether or not you deem this as a big step or not. Remember, this may be just what he needs to get the hint.

Now my final point to bring this section to a close, all sources of messaging works both ways. If the man is constantly the one initiating everything, he will become frustrated. It's a drag to always have to initiate conversation even if he is crazy about the girl. A woman who knows how to initiate conversation is to be valued more than fine jewels and a man shall reward her greatly (the texting proverb).

Tip #3 Showing Interest

This is different from the texting section because this advice is for personal communication. Showing interest is easy as long as the girl can become comfortable enough to put herself out on a limb. All women have to do is two simple things. First, laugh at some things he says even if they are not that funny. Secondly, be physical. Light slaps on the arm, grabbing his arm, a quick back scratch, or anything similar will send the appropriate message. The beauty of being physical with him is that you will get a reaction and that reaction will tell you how he received physical contact. Men have a hard time hiding their "feelings" when touched. Take that however you want, but it is true.

Tip #4 Killing the Cat

This is a phrase I often use to explain getting rid of an unwanted male. A quick story will help describe when this phrase is to be used in proper context. A few weeks ago I was hanging out with my brother who is a sophomore (junior to be) in college. One of his friends that is a girl was talking about how annoyed she was with this "creepy" guy (I put creepy in quotes here and am referring to the creepy/charming category I briefly mentioned earlier). Anyway, this creepy guy would not quit texting/snapchatting her. I asked her if she would text him back. She proceeded to explain how she does text back because she does not want to be rude. I then inserted my famous phrase, "you gotta take the cat out back and shoot it right between the eyes." Gruesome but necessary. Killing the Cat means you must be straight-forward, to the point, and probably a little mean depending on how relentless he is. I give the Tim Youtzy guarantee that if done exactly like I stated, that creepy guy will not bother you anymore. The skill of Killing the Cat is a must for all women. This is a life skill and may even help you avoid being pressured into an unwanted relationship. You are welcome.

Tip#5 Immature Man

Women need to learn to decipher between two separate types of immaturity which I often think are wrongly placed together. I think some women see immaturity as a single issue, but really there are two different types that are separate issues. Spiritually immature vs. bodily immature. Spiritually immature is an instant red flag and may require Killing the Cat. Bodily immature is unavoidable. I know plenty of happily married men who are advanced in age who still laugh at the passing of gas and make jokes referring to bedroom activity. The only men who do not find any of this comical are dead. Enjoy trying to find a dead boyfriend. Even the Saint Josh Balzer can be found chuckling from time to time at things a 5 year old would laugh at. The bodily immature side of every man must be embraced by every women only to the point where the girl shakes her head and moves on.

Tip #6 Optimal Wife

If you surveyed every UNW male, I am for certain that if asked which they would prefer, their wife to work vs. being a stay at home mom, over 90% would choose the latter. A girl with career ambition is greatly appreciated. In the end, if she gives up her goals to be a homemaker there is only one thing hotter: my final point.

Above all tips, this is the one to put a heavy focus on. Every Christian man wants a woman firmly rooted in her Christian beliefs. As cliche as that sounds, I do not think we look to this as a great asset when attracting a Christian mate. When a girl's Christian beliefs are evident, there is nothing more attractive. The more their beliefs match up, the more attractive she will become. I guarantee that.

After full reflection upon this topic I hope you are approaching my mental competence when it comes to relationships. To be honest, hopefully you have passed me a long time ago but just find my blog entertaining.

My ego wants this post to go UNW viral like some previous ones, but the humble side of me thinks this may have been my final post. I will continue with the "Schultz Agreement" but this may have been a good post to end on. Perhaps it is my time to wrap it up. All good things must come to end. It would be a great honor to pass the torch on like my masters before me (Club Trillion -> Lance Wetberg, mixing in some Thoughts from the Guardshack) who unknowingly got me to this point.

Best of luck to all on your journey from 101 to 401.

Tootles

   

The Single Games

I'm back! Upon completion of Relationships 102 I made a promise with an avid follower that I would come back if the post received 100 views. Relationships 102 went viral at NWC, so now I am just a man fulfilling a promise. Part of the deal also required that I would not come up with my own ideas anymore. All of my blogs will now come from suggestions from the crowd. Any future blogs will be based upon the success of this post. I am a numbers guy and if my ROI is not good enough I will terminate the blog we all love. This being the case, I will announce my retirement at the end of all future posts so I will have a formal retirement when that sad day comes.

Before getting into the meat of the post, I need to continue the tradition I have started by giving a few shout outs. First and most important has to go to Isaac Schultz. Congratulations on bringing me out of retirement and making dreams come true to most of NWC Nation by having me write another post. Also, nice work making the blog go viral. Next shout out goes to Kassidy Cook for completing what I would consider to be about 2 years of course work in about 5 months. Congrats on reaching relationships 301. I am looking forward to when you reach relationships 401, but I need to inform you that you will never complete 401 until you die because passing 401 requires a complete understanding of the female specimen. The relationship courses bring a whole new meaning to life-long learner. Best of luck in your endeavor. Shout out to Ellis Libby for giving me the idea for this post. I have tinkered with the original idea to give it my own "Roll." I have decided to have Ellis Libby replace Josh Swore just for this post for giving me the idea. That being said, I would like to advertise Ellis to all my female readers. This man deserves to be in 201. Just remember ladies, though he may be grimy now, men always get better looking with age, especially business men like Ellis.

At the senior athletic banquet Ellis proposed that I write a post on senioritis. Most of the time this term refers to a college or high school senior who becomes lackadaisical in their work as graduation approaches. However, Ellis wanted me to blog about senioritis in NWC vernacular which then refers to people becoming stressed about finding a mate before they leave the 3003. Let's face it, if you do not get married at Northwestern you will never get married. Thus, senioritis has been stressing out students since 1902 (minus those couple of years in the 70s when NWC shut down). Quite frankly, I do not think I had enough material to write an entire post on senioritis, so I have decided to map out the life of NWC students. I honestly did not even want to write another post about relationships but that is what NWC wants to hear about.

Growing up one of my favorite types of books were those where you would choose one scenario and then that decision would affect the rest of the book. A choose your own ending type. I believe I have mastered something similar with the paths NWC students can take in regard to their dating lives at NWC. In this post, there will be times where you must choose your own path. You get to decide whether the path you choose is similar to real life or not, however I encourage you to decide on one path and stick with it. Every decision good or bad has brought you this far, might as well continue doing things as you have done before. Remember, the grass is always greener on the other side.

I have one final warning before I begin. The closer people get to retirement, the more lax they become about following the rules because who cares if you get fired. There are some who may find this to be my most offensive post. The past can hurt, and the truth can hurt. This is going to be good.

When you arrive at NWC you are either single or are in a relationship. As profound as that last statement was, it truly affects everything. If you are in a relationship when you get to NWC or enter one before Christmas break go to 1A. If you remained single during this time go to 1B. At anytime if you break up with your significant other head straight to 4.

1A
Nice work! If you are a guy, you most likely landed a very good looking girl. If you are a girl, congrats on being the girl that every other girl is jealous of for a few months. As awesome as this relationship is, it has its set backs. You have entered a relationship during a critical time in college when you are forming friend groups. Your friends are others who are dating and your significant other. This is fine but when it comes time to look for roommates for next year it seems like these are the people on the outside looking in. It will always seem like other people have formed a lot closer relationships with the members of the same sex. The fact is they do have better guy-guy/girl-girl relationships because you have been spending most of your time with your partner. You will probably miss out on some epic times when your friends are doing crazy things.

This route works out fine for many couples. You will get married before you graduate and be tapping into that tuition savings benefit of being married. Your road ends here happily married before graduation, your picture with the rock the day you became engaged, and having avoided all of the pressure of senioritis. Skip down to the second to last paragraph.

1B
Thank goodness! You have successful made it through the gauntlet that is the first 3 months at NWC. Guys, you were smart enough to avoid all the cling-ons and crazies. You already have enough funny stories for a lifetime. You also avoided making a dumb decision in your immaturity. Girls, nice job not falling for that first guy who showed immediate interest. You have taken a step back waiting for your own maturation process even if you eventually enter a relationship with that guy. I would recommend not dating freshman year at all, but there are certain individuals who are ready, especially girls (and double especially if the guy is a year or two older). However, by waiting until 2nd semester you have formed solid relationships with many people around you both men and women. Your journey continues to Sophomore year which is labeled 2.

2
Entering Sophomore year you are either in a new relationship or are still riding the single train. Sophomore and Junior year are very much alike and thus have been grouped together in this blog. If you are in or enter a relationship anytime during this period head to 2A. If you remained single during this entire period head to 2B.

2A
Your dating life is nice. Both parties are mature and are headed into a more serious phase of the relationship and life. You find yourself hanging out with friends, while also spending quality time with your significant other. Your friend group includes both singles and couples. Finding something to do is never difficult and fun is always awaiting. For women, I think this is a perfect spot to find yourself in. For men, this spot has a couple of negatives, but for the most part has nothing to regret. You have found yourself a solid wife-to-be. The drawback is that you are now responsible for your girlfriend and yourself. This can be time consuming and will cause you to miss out on being able to do whatever you want with your guy friends. On a positive note, you have matured a lot through some of the difficult times of a relationship. You are battle tested, but the leash only reaches so far in what you would consider a fun night. You are married between your senior year and a year or so after graduation. Your journey happily ends here. Enjoy the honeymoon!!!!

2B
You are either really ugly, really stupid, or really awesome. I would like to think I error on the awesome side and you can too. You made it to your senior year being single. In the past year, you have formed an awesome relationship with a member of the same sex you normally would not have done if it weren't for you being single. You have some of the craziest pranks and stories. Singles are gathering together, forming friend groups apart from their fellow couple friends which always end with a hilarious and widely inappropriate night. Scroll down to 4 to see where your senior year will take you.

4
Being single is epic. During your 3 years leading up to now you have also come to realize that all guys are immature or every single girl you are interested in does not seem to understand why you would be perfect together. The pickings are slim. Senioritis begins to hit you hard. You do not want to settle for any girl/guy, but time is of the essence. If you enter a relationship during your senior year go to 2A. If you made it your entire 4 years being single or graduated single due to breakups head to 4A.

4A
You have avoided senioritis! You are an endangered species. You made it through the entire game, but somehow you lost. Riddle me that. Your parents are becoming anxious if you will ever find someone. Trying to meet Christian singles in the business world is like trying to find Waldo except you have no clue what they are wearing. For women in this situation, I am sorry to inform you that your MRS degree was a failure. You will get married eventually based on statistics, but the time frame you had in mind is probably long gone. If you are a dude, props to you minus your high school friends questioning if you are gay or not (who really cares what people in high school think though). Before long, every toy you dreamed of having when you were younger will be a reality. A boat, a motorcycle, a four wheeler, a jet ski, or whatever will eventually make its way to you. School loans are quickly (or relatively quickly) paid off due to a lack of expenses. There has been a detrimental drop in your health as frozen pizzas and PB&J sandwiches are no longer keeping your six pack abs intact. Some of your close friends may joke that you are destined for a life of celibacy. No worries, statistically you will get married as well. Your journey continues until the man/woman of your dreams comes along. Return to the beginning of 4A and repeat until married. Until then, enjoy the free time and a full wallet.

There you have it. The Single Games. Each path is a little different, but based on the numbers all roads will lead to marriage for more than 90%. After reading this (only if you made it to 4A), it may be in your best interest to start wearing red and white with blue jeans just in case someone takes my Where's Waldo reference to heart. May the odds be ever in your favor.

Lastly, I need to announce my retirement in case this post does not get enough views. I want to thank all my viewers, especially the women because we all know your views count as double. Lastly, I want to thank myself for being awesome.

Keep Rollin Yahtzee's

Relationships 102: How to Read Men Like a Book

For some reason, whenever I blog about myself it struggles to get the astronomical views I receive when writing canonical pieces such as NWC Media Day and Relationships 101. I should not be surprised that NWC loves hearing about relationships. With these overwhelming stats I decided at the last second to not write a blog on my drive back to Iowa. Ok thanks for calling my bluff on that one. I have been hounded by people on the outside to write another blog. As a late Christmas gift to all of my followers I give to you another post. This is about the time of year most people finally get their Christmas letters out and you can put this post in a similar category based on its timeliness. For those of you who were wishing for post season football awards or intramural basketball media day, Santa did not come with those. Santa did come with Relationships 102 which is truly the gift that keeps on giving. Merry Christmas.

Sometime back I promised a few things. The first was that I would give another personal shout out to Josh Swore for finally passing an online course I teach. Swore has mentioned several times to me that I need to write an entire post about him, and I still feel this is unnecessary. The second item I promised was to write what I had coined "Relationships 102: How to Read Men Like a Book" so here goes nothing.

Some things to remember before I start. All men are the same at some level. We are simple and logical creatures who often do not find ourselves in tune with the emotional realm. Trust me ladies, you want this from men. Imagine an emotional man at the same time you ladies are overly emotional. YIKES (Natures natural balance where guys get the short end of the stick if they have reached relationships 201). Therefore, since we are logical, I give to you several tests that can be used to read men and their "feelings." Truly you are reading their thoughts because what they think and do will tell you exactly what he is feeling. The more tests you find coinciding with his behavior the more sure you can be about how he feels. Really what these tests are designed to do is help answer the question 'Does this guy like me?' Women the last thing to remember is to not read too much into anything. Stick to the question ‘Does this guy like me?’ and try not to keep asking yourself ‘What did that mean?’ Once again let me remind you that men are simple. Pay attention to what he does more than what he says, at least in the initial phases. All these tests are simple (just like men) and can be done by any girl.

Social Media Test

This test is fairly simple and one of the earliest of the tests. Everyone has Facebook and a majority have Twitter as well.  How much does this guy pop up on your news feed? Have you noticed him liking pictures that he would have had to search through your profile a bit to find? Is he commenting on some of those same type of photos? Does he comment or like every status update you have? Does he favorite, retweet, or reply to several of your tweets?  For me, this test usually confirms what I already know. If I were a lady I would use this test as a starting point to give me hints. Obviously there are some people who live on social media sites and some people who barely use them. For this very reason, the social media test is a starting point. Continued social media interaction in anyway should simply be taken note of.

Bump Into Test

This test is hard to identify if you do not know what you are looking for. It can even be tricky if you understand what is going on. I am not 100% positive, but I am fairly sure women do this very thing to a certain extent as well. The difficult thing to not do with this test is to read too much into the scenario, and trust me, that is what women do about everything men related. Men have an innate ability to "bump into" women we have a particular liking. This does not mean that he literally bumps into you on the sidewalk. Guys I do not recommend trying that. It simply means that this guy seems to run into you in casual, normal settings. Let me try and give an example to make this test a bit more clear. Both the guy and girl frequent the library for personal studies. The two of you have been acquaintances for some time, but recently you think he may have some interest. You both have your own separate table at the library, but you notice that when he gets up to use the restroom he goes a little out of his way to walk by your table and say hi. This is pretty classic.

Looking Test

This test is similar to the Bump Into test in that it can be hard to identify if you are not paying attention. Also, similar to the Bump Into test, the Looking test is done by women as well. Both men and women are very sneaky with this test because there is a fear of getting caught staring. Do you ever catch this guy looking across the room at you when you are not talking or making an abnormal movement. I decided to add the abnormal movement part because the eye is naturally tuned to look toward any type of movement. Just try and not look up when someone enters a room. Every man has ADD to some extent so expect him to be distracted by abnormal movement. I do not remember where I heard or saw this trick, but if I were a female I would yawn and then look around to see who else is yawning. I already stated that the social media test is the very beginning of the tests but the Looking Test has potential to precede the Social Media Test.

Name Test

This is the hardest test to determine the true results. Many studies have been done and they all say that when a guy/girl likes a girl/guy they are more apt to use their name instead of common pronouns. This is the hardest test because your name can be used by anyone. However, the frequency by which it is used will answer this test question for you. In a normal conversation, two or three times is a lot. In text messages, check for something like this… “How u doin? compared to “How u doin today (insert your name)? Which one sounds better ladies? Pick number 2 my lord (Shrek quote).

A small side note to look for in the name test is to check for a nickname. Sometimes he will use the nickname right in front of you and that is a dead giveaway. Especially early, do not count on this one. More than likely he has some sort of nickname or even a code name for you. It is possible that he could be talking about you while you are in the same room and you would not even know it. Men are weird like that. I would love to insert some examples here, but I cannot giveaway some of the nickname secrets. Do not worry too much about this one women and simply let it slide. If things progress towards relationships 201 you will usually learn the nicknames he has for you.

Laugh Test

This is probably my favorite test. Men and women both do this test as well. I hate to break it to you women but in general men are funnier. For the most part a quality women are looking for in a man is to have a good sense of humor. Men have a similar want for a sense of humor in women. However, men know that women are naturally not going to be as funny as their dude friends. So what is there to test? Watch how much he laughs at what you say including text messages. He wants you to be funny so if he laughs even at things which are not very funny, he is somehow making himself think that you are funnier than you actually are. The funnier you are the less he will find himself laughing at pointless things because his need for you to be funny has been satisfied. Have a good sense of humor ladies, and if you do not, be sure that he will be laughing at things that are not that funny.

Physical Test

Watch a bunch of guys for just a few minutes to realize they are physically beings. Even the completely straight guys seem to always be touching each other in some fashion. Thus the butt slap in sports, created by completely straight men that could be viewed as homosexual in any other setting. Oxymoronic. Be thankful ladies if you are going after a solid guy he will not be butt slapping you anytime soon. That being said, his physical nature is still in full rage. Watch for simple acts of physical nature. Fist pounds, high fives, handshakes, a pat on the back, a nudge, all are good examples of early physical tests. Men want to touch.

Out of the Way Test

This is one of the more comical tests especially when you know a guy likes a girl and you see him doing this. Everyone is selfish to some extent and I think men in general are more selfish creatures than women. The Out of the Way Test is an act of pure unselfishness. If a man goes out of his way for a girl it is a good sign that he has some interest. Something as simple as watching a movie he would rather not watch could be seen as him going out of the way for you. Anytime he does something he absolutely does not want to do but does not complain about it, he passes this test. Every man in relationships 201+ has done this and it is not a sign of being whipped.

Emoticon Test

If you are a girl and need this test to confirm the overlying question, the dude needs to work on his cues or you are off in your own little world. Men have no uses for emoticons in texts except for bromance texts or to flirt. More than 1 emoticon ought to give it away. :) and ;) are good. Run if you see <3.

Well ladies there you have it. It really is this simple. Remember, do not read into anything too much and never over think anything. Chances are he does not even remember what he said or did to make you over think something. Use facts and logic only and you are well on your well to understanding his thoughts which truly lead to his feelings. 

Feel free to comment below on anything you disagree with or would like better clarification. I know Relationships 101 had some strong disagreements about certain points from the XX population and many of these may be left unanswered. 

It has been a fun ride with Yahtzee’s Roll, but I am officially announcing my retirement from Yahtzee's Roll on Life effective the 31^st of March 2013. NWC Media Day received 88 views at the time of this post and I would love to see this post break 100 as my finale. I want to thank all my followers who have made this possible. Lastly, I want to thank myself for being awesome.

Keep Rollin Yahtzee's 

Blue Crew

I apologize for the long delay between posts. Football all day has really put a damper on my blogging time. Additionally, I also had to let the second round analysis of the B to the R simmer down before unveiling another post. Despite intense pressure from All-American Josh Swore, I will not be writing an entire post on NWC's hottest male athlete (this award was voted on by the women of NWC). This is unfortunate for the ladies of the 3003 trying to get some background information on Swore before they attempt to befriend him in hopes of a lifelong friendship. However, I promised to give him a well deserved shout out in what will hopefully set records for viewership.

When it comes to summer work nearly everyone at NWC knows I am a Blue Bunny man in the summer. This summer was a record summer for Blue Bunny, thus I was putting in a record number of hours per week. 63 hours a week (graveyard shift) was typical for me which also helps explain why I was blogging (my only social life), but also for my lack of posts. This being my second year at Blue Bunny and a seasoned veteran, I figured I would write a post about some things I have noticed in my 2 years.

Language
Working the night shift also means being a Caucasian is in the minority. English is a second language for most of the employees. When workers are decked out in all the gear, and all you can make out of a face is a small hole for their nose and eyes, it can be a challenge to get a read on one's ethnicity. I cannot say how many times I tried yelling (the fans in the factory require yelling just to hear someone) at a guy in English only to hear him yelling back in Spanish. I think it would be a great idea to stick some sort of mark or sticker on every man's hard hat to symbolize the appropriate language to talk to him. This would help for those who can speak English and Spanish, but for a minority like myself it may not be much help especially for those who only speak Spanish. One of my favorite fellow employees knew only Blue Bunny English and I could speak Blue Bunny Spanish so it worked out. Perhaps the reason he was one of my favorites was due to the fact that we had little interaction.

Language II
Even though I named this section Language II, know that they have no correlation. The language I am referring to here is the employee rhetoric. If you are yelled at with some choice words this is not always a bad thing. Unless you have done something stupid, words that would have gotten my mouth washed out with soap are more like a term of endearment. A rule of thumb is "the more F's, the better." If one can find a way to fit 4 or 5 into one sentence while talking to you, consider yourself blessed.

4th of July
The 4th is a mandatory day off for all employees, and production at Blue Bunny shuts down. Based on the ethnicity of the plant, I have coined together a way for production to avoid holidays only celebrated by Americans. In theory, I have proposed that the Hispanics can have Cinco De Mayo off and work the 4th, and Americans work Cinco De Mayo and take off the 4th. Production schedules would have to be light on both of those days because of the missing staff. I am not for sure how well this would work, but I would find it comical to see only Americans in the freezer.

Helmets
Each year Blue Bunny hires a huge amount of temporary or seasonal help during the summer months when production is at full capacity. With these new hires, comes the issuing of proper freezer gear. The hard hat given to all temps is a squeaky clean helmet with a name tag on it. This name tag is nice to help learn others' names, but in reality it is more like a driver's ed sticker on the side of a car. Regular employees are flying around on pallet jacks while the temps look like a teenage female driver. The name tag is almost an excuse for stupidity. No one ever gets mad at a driver's ed vehicle going the wrong direction on a one-way because you almost expect it. The same holds true at Blue Bunny. A new guy tipping a full pallet or running into a wall at a high speed is not out of the norm.

Gas
How could I write a post about an all male workforce without mentioning the passing of gas? What makes matters worse is that most employees are of Hispanic descent which means Hispanic food. I could probably stop there and you would understand, but I am going to color a better picture. Not only are the Hispanics pounding down the burritos and tacos during lunch, all employees have the option to pound down ice cream. Ice cream falls into the dairy category which typically stinges the nostrils upon exit. To top it all off, everyone is in super heavy duty freezer suits which usually means you penalize yourself just as much as everyone else when you let one loose. If you are a little confused by that, think dutch oven and you will understand. To add insult to injury, the freezer has the same effect on gas as it does everything else. They freeze. This freezing effect causes these smells to linger similar to what one would experience in a sauna.

Scotty
Scotty was another one of my favorite employees, and he is actually American. Scotty is a witty guy and is most likely a lifer. His comment during a pre-work meeting sums up the rest you need to know about Blue Bunny. A supervisor was complaining that he had worked 60 hours the previous week and was only paid for 40 of them. Without missing a beat Scotty replies "some guys in the freezer only worked 40 hours last week, but still got paid for 60." Classic factory work.

Well now you know a little what it is like to be a Blue Bunny man for a summer. There is more I could add but have refrained from it due to many eyes on this blog. Greg Johnson, Terri and possibly Kirk Talley, Beth Wilmeth I thank you for the extra views.

To wrap up this post I want to thank all those who have been regulars of the blog. School is around the corner and the blog is on its last straw until another time. I am unsure if this is a retirement speech or just preparing you for a hibernation/hiatus. We had a good run. Starting August 29, #funfactoftheday brought to you by @Big_D_Dammo and myself will be in full swing. All attention in the blogging world will shift to the Bachelor to the Rapture Madness as Cook analyzes each round to determine a winner.

Keep Rollin Yahtzees

NWC Media Day

Before I make you fall on the floor in laughter and awe at my amazing blog, I need to make mention of a few things. First of all, I have neglected to give a warm welcome to those keeping tabs on the blog to make sure I keep it clean: Captain Kirk (Coach Talley), Greg Johnson, and maybe Beth Wilmeth (optimism for another female follower). Thanks for the extra 2-3 views. Optimism for another female follower leads me to my second thing I need to mention. Shout out to Lauren Cleope for being an avid follower. Female views count as double and NWC's finest bloggers (Cook and I) appreciate it.

We are gearing up for my favorite time of year. Football season. More specifically college football season. With the college season quickly approaching comes many things. NCAA Football 13 which is a great game by the way. However you can be thankful I am not writing about my NCAA 13 dynasty (that would be a sweet blog but I am afraid I would start attracting the Chapstick crowd). What I am talking about is all the media days for the major BCS conferences that are going on this week. I was not summoned up to Minnesota this week so I am assuming the UMAC is not having a media day. That is why I am doing media day for NWC myself. I want to introduce you to the Eagle seniors you can expect to be tearing it up this year. All players are in numerical order based on last year's number except Cyle DeBoer which I will explain.

#29 Cyle DeBoer
Cyle is placed first because in the Highlight Reel blog I forgot to mention Cyle as part of the "hecklers" until I went back and edited it. So Cyle is now receiving his spotlight in this blog by being first. From the boonies of Ogilvie, MN, Cyle is as white as they come which equals nasty sharp shooter from deep. That is right I am talking about basketball when this is a football media day. Intramural season is almost as important to a few of us seniors as the football season. Cyle is the X-Factor on a Miami Heat-esque dominant team seeking its first championship.
Nickname: Cyle does not really have a nickname. Has been called Clyde by a few professors, but other than that he is known on a first name basis.

#2 Zach Markwith
Once an Iowan now a Hawaiian. Let's be honest Zach fits much better as a Hawaiian than an Iowan. Zach is very well known on the Hamline campus as the Nortwestern JV quarterback who made the immaculate throw on fourth down, and eventually finishing off the drive with a TD and two point conversion to win the game. At the 3003 Zach is known for his incredible arsenal of movie quotes and amazing skill in imitations.
Nickname: For George Palke, his real name is Markwirth or Markeef so they turned into nicknames for us along with the classic Flyin Hawaiian.

#3 Mitch Swanson
Nickname: Goose
I needed to start with the nickname portion on Mitch because Goose is more like his real name than an actual nickname. Goose has a whole other language that he speaks. When talking to Goose you may hear him say "What up mo?" or refer to other people as cats. Another thing to know about Goose is that his goal every day is to get as many people as he can to flinch. The scratch of the eyebrow is a trick tried by most of the football team but only Goose has truly mastered the scratch and mastered avoiding the flinch after the scratch. Nothing happens if you flinch except a good laugh for the master himself.

#10 Josh Balzer
My roommate and domestic partner for at least 2 years. I refuse to live without the man until he finds a wife. May I add that Josh is without a doubt the most eligible bachelor at NWC. For a few years his civil engineering homework has kept him booked (that was punny) in the room avoiding almost all relations with a female. Josh's celebrity look-a-like is Andrew Luck. What is scary is that they are more than just look-a-likes. They are both engineering majors with nearly identical personalities. Every time I watch a Luck interview I suspect Josh would give the same answers.
Nickname: I believe the Fake Bobbo (Robert A Wolcyn) started the nicknames for Balzer which none of them will be mentioned on this blog. Just to note that an acceptable nickname and used by the female crowd is J-Balz.

#25 Cody Durkee
The most sarcastic of any one of the seniors. Flat out hilarious. I can guarantee multiple laughs by only being around him for just a few minutes. To fully understand Durkee all you need to know is that his apartment was coined as the "chill zone."
Nickname: Cody does not have a nickname that I am aware of, so he is referred to by his last name. Durkee.

#28 Kendall Sommerlot
A former Pocahontas Indian but a lifelong Iowan. Kendall was an original instigator of short shorts Thursdays which provoked Talley to an infamous speech. Kendall has the body of a Greek god. Zeus would be embarrassed with his shirt off around Kendall. It is almost illegal for Kendall to have a shirt on. If some shenanigans is to be pulled, Kendall is a man you want on your team. This guy is flawless with pranks (see Highlight Reel).
Nickname: 4:30 or Yaminashi

#41 Matt Dammann
Matt is the craziest of all the seniors and a joy to be around. Matt is one of many notable athletes at NWC to call Bloomington home. Matt was scolded for being immature on the first day of camp last year (see highlight reel). Matt also was probably the first one to ever bring a speedo to breakaway. He was one of the founders of the Eagle Award and most definitely would have won the award himself. Matt prides himself with hang cleans in the weight room. Matt is part of the higher quality individuals on the football team.
Nickname: Dammo

#42 Kabakas Clark
Straight from Bartow, Florida I could barely understand his dialect when he first arrived in Minnesota. One word I kept hearing was the word finna. I had never heard this before in my hicktown of Hinton. Kabakas taught me the word finna and it has been part of my vocabulary ever since. I want to thank him for that. Kabakas has probably undergone the most change in his 4 years. He has gone from Bartow thug to semi-white Northwesterner. My favorite Kabakas moment was when Burrs hit Coach Moore in the head with a bag and Kabakas' response was "he done hit him in the head."
Nickname: Kabakas has more nicknames than anyone at NWC and that is a fact. Kabby, Coco, Coco Bear to name a few. Alternative spellings and pronunciations of his name are also allowed - Kabeckus and Kabakus.

#44 Joey Bauman
The only high school football state champion on the team. I roomed with Joey freshman year and am the reason he has developed insomnia. Joey is an assassin and the only person on the team I would legitimately not mess with. Joey sleeps with both eyes open and has eyes in the back of his head. A sizable knife can be found in his night stand next to his bed. The best gamer I have ever known and will beat you in any shooting video game. A force not to be reckoned with, especially with a weapon in his hands.
Nickname: Big Stick

#49 Kassidy Cook
A fellow Iowan and worthy of the high calling when from Iowa. The funniest man on twitter that I follow and it is not even close. His social media skills are unmatched, and may I add a fellow blogger (thoughtsfromtheguardshack.blogspot.com). Has been known to have some classy facial hair. He has been seen with a fu manchu and a mustache along with the normal goatee/beard. Kassidy was all-state on both sides of the ball in high school, and I have been trying for three years to get him to play offensive line. Perhaps this year he will reach his full potential on the offensive side of the ball.
Nickname: Kassidy is another one of the guys whose last name serves as his nickname. Cook.

#72 Ryan Friesen
Another one of B-Towns finest and working on his second year as a starter on the offensive line. Ryan has worked hard his years at Northwestern and has put on a considerable amount of mass. His celebrity look-a-like is Nick Mangold of the Jets. Ryan has been working on the locks for quite sometime now, and I expect them to be flowing out of the back of his helmet this year. The last thing I want to mention about Ryan is the extreme deepness of his voice. He is not quiet at all and can be heard from what seems to be miles out.
Nickname: Deep Freeze

#99 Valentine Awasom
Valentine roomed with Kabakas for a few weeks freshman year and this was the first time I could not understand a conversation between two men in English. Valentine is the first person I have ever seen eat chicken bone marrow and eat part of the pits of fruit. Food will not be wasted around this man. The first and only player ever at NWC to wear the 1S jersey. Since his running back days are over, this practice jersey has been retired.
Nickname: He does not have a true nickname but referring to him as "puppy" or "son" will do.

Just a note that these were the seniors participating in senior meetings. Other seniors include Brian Lecheler, Justin Horsch, Alex Zeller, Jeremy Langness, Cody Kielsa, and All-American Dave Kleiner-Wanna Be Josh Swore. I am extremely excited for the season to start and could not be more happy with the guys that I get to enjoy the ride with.

Keep Rollin Yahtzees

Male Phenomenons

One successful date for an avid follower and 30 pageviews later I am up and at it again. I cannot say how honored I am for a friend to give some credit to a blog for getting him a date. I have a tough time believing I had anything to do with it, but it serves as a good laugh and I appreciate that. My last post really tried to captivate the audience of both sexes and it appears as though it worked. Hopefully you ladies keep checking in.

So I am working at Blue Bunny (a post on Blue Bunny coming early August) and have a good amount of time to just sit and relax by myself. While I am just sitting in a warm up room by myself, I all of a sudden come to the realization of some of the phenomenons of being a man. Being a man is truly a high calling, but there are some things about men that could make you, especially women, wonder if we men are a different species all together.

It is a proven fact that women are more influenced by how a man smells rather than how he looks. This is a detriment to being a man. Let me prove my point in the first phenomenon of being a man. Men smell. I cannot explain why but men have forever been haunted with smelliness. This fact can be proven through a simple experiment. Take 5 or 6 guys and place them in an enclosed room such a dorm room. Have all of them enter freshly showered. Have the room set at comfortable room temperature around 70 degrees with a fan keeping the temperature constant. Make sure no man is physically touching another man which ensures there is plenty of leg room and space. The number one rule is no farting (this is impossible but for experiment sake it must be controlled). Turn on a movie for a couple hours and once the movie is over have a lady enter the room and it will stink. Each individual man will smell fine, but for some reason the collective group will have some major BO. I will never be able to explain why this is, but ladies we cannot help it and have no way of stopping it. It truly is head-scratcher.

My sister-in-law was down for a weekend and was complaining about my brothers outfit. He was wearing these moccasin type slippers that she was not too pleased about because they should not be worn out of the house according to her. Why is it that for years women have been trying to regulate what their spouses are wearing. I realize that if he is too sloppy it reflects on her but come on wearing moccasins to visit family seems far fetched to worry about. What really bothers wives is typically the man's entire wardrobe. Men could care less about getting new clothes as long as the old ones still fit. Why waste the money? I see no problem with wearing a shirt or pair of jeans you have from high school if still fits. Ladies are up in arms about this. It's ludicrous in their eyes. Men want comfort and there is nothing more comfortable than a pair of underwear or an old shirt that has adapted to our bodies curves, and men will hold onto these clothes like we hold onto the remote. Women on the other hand cannot bear the idea of not having new outfits and not wearing the same 5 shirts before she does the laundry again. The underlying reason for this is women just want to shop. Women want fashion and men could not care less about fashion as long as it is comfortable. This explains the underwear with huge holes in them, sweatpants all the time, walking around in just underwear when its appropriate, and of course the infamous slippers that every man has.

One of my favorite TV shows is Rules of Engagement and on an episode a couple weeks ago the married man went maternity shopping with his wife. He ended up leaving the store with a pair of maternity jeans for himself. This is brilliant and every man loves the idea of pants that expand at the waste. Not only does this avoid having to buy bigger pants when men get fatter, it also keeps us from unbottoning the pants after a big meal. Why is it that only men have to unbutton their pants after eating a lot? Maybe because we are creatures of no manners, but the women do not even have a desire to loosen up their waste line after chowing down. Perhaps the women would feel fat if they did or perhaps they refuse to stoop that low with their manners. Either or this act is meant only for the male species. Every man understands the importance of wearing sweatpants on Thanksgiving or the pants will be unbuttoned to make room for dessert.

The final phenomenon of the male species is the idea of the ultimate bathroom. Every man dreams of a bathroom with a reclining toilet, fridge, and a TV. The only reason I can think of to explain this is because this is the only room in the house that men can truly claim as their own. This is the throne room for men. All other rooms are controlled by the women with decorations. No matter how old, men for centuries have seen the importance of having something to do while they relieve themselves. Magazines are a thing of the past for current generations and men have moved on to the laptop/smartphone era. I would venture to say more men spend time on Facebook on the pot than any other specific time of the day. Men will go to obscure lengths to ensure their time on the pot is not wasted. TV's in the bathroom will hit its era in the near future, and oh hasten that day. Women there is absolutely nothing you can do about this. You have to let the man own the bathroom. Women spend much more time in the bathroom, but this is due to lengthy showers, hair/makeup, and there is always a mirror in the bathroom. When it comes to doing business, men spend much longer which is why the laptop among other things are vitally important if men are to have a successful time dropping a deuce.

Know that this list is far from exhaustive and there are countless other male phenomenons. I apologize if you leave this post scratching your head at manhood just as much as before you starting reading. I attempted to explain some of the strangest male phenomenons, but sometimes there are things that will always be left unexplained. Thus the fact that they are phenomenons.

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