I apologize for the long delay between posts. Football all day has really put a damper on my blogging time. Additionally, I also had to let the second round analysis of the B to the R simmer down before unveiling another post. Despite intense pressure from All-American Josh Swore, I will not be writing an entire post on NWC's hottest male athlete (this award was voted on by the women of NWC). This is unfortunate for the ladies of the 3003 trying to get some background information on Swore before they attempt to befriend him in hopes of a lifelong friendship. However, I promised to give him a well deserved shout out in what will hopefully set records for viewership.
When it comes to summer work nearly everyone at NWC knows I am a Blue Bunny man in the summer. This summer was a record summer for Blue Bunny, thus I was putting in a record number of hours per week. 63 hours a week (graveyard shift) was typical for me which also helps explain why I was blogging (my only social life), but also for my lack of posts. This being my second year at Blue Bunny and a seasoned veteran, I figured I would write a post about some things I have noticed in my 2 years.
Language
Working the night shift also means being a Caucasian is in the minority. English is a second language for most of the employees. When workers are decked out in all the gear, and all you can make out of a face is a small hole for their nose and eyes, it can be a challenge to get a read on one's ethnicity. I cannot say how many times I tried yelling (the fans in the factory require yelling just to hear someone) at a guy in English only to hear him yelling back in Spanish. I think it would be a great idea to stick some sort of mark or sticker on every man's hard hat to symbolize the appropriate language to talk to him. This would help for those who can speak English and Spanish, but for a minority like myself it may not be much help especially for those who only speak Spanish. One of my favorite fellow employees knew only Blue Bunny English and I could speak Blue Bunny Spanish so it worked out. Perhaps the reason he was one of my favorites was due to the fact that we had little interaction.
Language II
Even though I named this section Language II, know that they have no correlation. The language I am referring to here is the employee rhetoric. If you are yelled at with some choice words this is not always a bad thing. Unless you have done something stupid, words that would have gotten my mouth washed out with soap are more like a term of endearment. A rule of thumb is "the more F's, the better." If one can find a way to fit 4 or 5 into one sentence while talking to you, consider yourself blessed.
4th of July
The 4th is a mandatory day off for all employees, and production at Blue Bunny shuts down. Based on the ethnicity of the plant, I have coined together a way for production to avoid holidays only celebrated by Americans. In theory, I have proposed that the Hispanics can have Cinco De Mayo off and work the 4th, and Americans work Cinco De Mayo and take off the 4th. Production schedules would have to be light on both of those days because of the missing staff. I am not for sure how well this would work, but I would find it comical to see only Americans in the freezer.
Helmets
Each year Blue Bunny hires a huge amount of temporary or seasonal help during the summer months when production is at full capacity. With these new hires, comes the issuing of proper freezer gear. The hard hat given to all temps is a squeaky clean helmet with a name tag on it. This name tag is nice to help learn others' names, but in reality it is more like a driver's ed sticker on the side of a car. Regular employees are flying around on pallet jacks while the temps look like a teenage female driver. The name tag is almost an excuse for stupidity. No one ever gets mad at a driver's ed vehicle going the wrong direction on a one-way because you almost expect it. The same holds true at Blue Bunny. A new guy tipping a full pallet or running into a wall at a high speed is not out of the norm.
Gas
How could I write a post about an all male workforce without mentioning the passing of gas? What makes matters worse is that most employees are of Hispanic descent which means Hispanic food. I could probably stop there and you would understand, but I am going to color a better picture. Not only are the Hispanics pounding down the burritos and tacos during lunch, all employees have the option to pound down ice cream. Ice cream falls into the dairy category which typically stinges the nostrils upon exit. To top it all off, everyone is in super heavy duty freezer suits which usually means you penalize yourself just as much as everyone else when you let one loose. If you are a little confused by that, think dutch oven and you will understand. To add insult to injury, the freezer has the same effect on gas as it does everything else. They freeze. This freezing effect causes these smells to linger similar to what one would experience in a sauna.
Scotty
Scotty was another one of my favorite employees, and he is actually American. Scotty is a witty guy and is most likely a lifer. His comment during a pre-work meeting sums up the rest you need to know about Blue Bunny. A supervisor was complaining that he had worked 60 hours the previous week and was only paid for 40 of them. Without missing a beat Scotty replies "some guys in the freezer only worked 40 hours last week, but still got paid for 60." Classic factory work.
Well now you know a little what it is like to be a Blue Bunny man for a summer. There is more I could add but have refrained from it due to many eyes on this blog. Greg Johnson, Terri and possibly Kirk Talley, Beth Wilmeth I thank you for the extra views.
To wrap up this post I want to thank all those who have been regulars of the blog. School is around the corner and the blog is on its last straw until another time. I am unsure if this is a retirement speech or just preparing you for a hibernation/hiatus. We had a good run. Starting August 29, #funfactoftheday brought to you by @Big_D_Dammo and myself will be in full swing. All attention in the blogging world will shift to the Bachelor to the Rapture Madness as Cook analyzes each round to determine a winner.
Keep Rollin Yahtzees
Monday, August 27, 2012
Saturday, July 21, 2012
NWC Media Day
Before I make you fall on the floor in laughter and awe at my amazing blog, I need to make mention of a few things. First of all, I have neglected to give a warm welcome to those keeping tabs on the blog to make sure I keep it clean: Captain Kirk (Coach Talley), Greg Johnson, and maybe Beth Wilmeth (optimism for another female follower). Thanks for the extra 2-3 views. Optimism for another female follower leads me to my second thing I need to mention. Shout out to Lauren Cleope for being an avid follower. Female views count as double and NWC's finest bloggers (Cook and I) appreciate it.
We are gearing up for my favorite time of year. Football season. More specifically college football season. With the college season quickly approaching comes many things. NCAA Football 13 which is a great game by the way. However you can be thankful I am not writing about my NCAA 13 dynasty (that would be a sweet blog but I am afraid I would start attracting the Chapstick crowd). What I am talking about is all the media days for the major BCS conferences that are going on this week. I was not summoned up to Minnesota this week so I am assuming the UMAC is not having a media day. That is why I am doing media day for NWC myself. I want to introduce you to the Eagle seniors you can expect to be tearing it up this year. All players are in numerical order based on last year's number except Cyle DeBoer which I will explain.
#29 Cyle DeBoer
Cyle is placed first because in the Highlight Reel blog I forgot to mention Cyle as part of the "hecklers" until I went back and edited it. So Cyle is now receiving his spotlight in this blog by being first. From the boonies of Ogilvie, MN, Cyle is as white as they come which equals nasty sharp shooter from deep. That is right I am talking about basketball when this is a football media day. Intramural season is almost as important to a few of us seniors as the football season. Cyle is the X-Factor on a Miami Heat-esque dominant team seeking its first championship.
Nickname: Cyle does not really have a nickname. Has been called Clyde by a few professors, but other than that he is known on a first name basis.
#2 Zach Markwith
Once an Iowan now a Hawaiian. Let's be honest Zach fits much better as a Hawaiian than an Iowan. Zach is very well known on the Hamline campus as the Nortwestern JV quarterback who made the immaculate throw on fourth down, and eventually finishing off the drive with a TD and two point conversion to win the game. At the 3003 Zach is known for his incredible arsenal of movie quotes and amazing skill in imitations.
Nickname: For George Palke, his real name is Markwirth or Markeef so they turned into nicknames for us along with the classic Flyin Hawaiian.
#3 Mitch Swanson
Nickname: Goose
I needed to start with the nickname portion on Mitch because Goose is more like his real name than an actual nickname. Goose has a whole other language that he speaks. When talking to Goose you may hear him say "What up mo?" or refer to other people as cats. Another thing to know about Goose is that his goal every day is to get as many people as he can to flinch. The scratch of the eyebrow is a trick tried by most of the football team but only Goose has truly mastered the scratch and mastered avoiding the flinch after the scratch. Nothing happens if you flinch except a good laugh for the master himself.
#10 Josh Balzer
My roommate and domestic partner for at least 2 years. I refuse to live without the man until he finds a wife. May I add that Josh is without a doubt the most eligible bachelor at NWC. For a few years his civil engineering homework has kept him booked (that was punny) in the room avoiding almost all relations with a female. Josh's celebrity look-a-like is Andrew Luck. What is scary is that they are more than just look-a-likes. They are both engineering majors with nearly identical personalities. Every time I watch a Luck interview I suspect Josh would give the same answers.
Nickname: I believe the Fake Bobbo (Robert A Wolcyn) started the nicknames for Balzer which none of them will be mentioned on this blog. Just to note that an acceptable nickname and used by the female crowd is J-Balz.
#25 Cody Durkee
The most sarcastic of any one of the seniors. Flat out hilarious. I can guarantee multiple laughs by only being around him for just a few minutes. To fully understand Durkee all you need to know is that his apartment was coined as the "chill zone."
Nickname: Cody does not have a nickname that I am aware of, so he is referred to by his last name. Durkee.
#28 Kendall Sommerlot
A former Pocahontas Indian but a lifelong Iowan. Kendall was an original instigator of short shorts Thursdays which provoked Talley to an infamous speech. Kendall has the body of a Greek god. Zeus would be embarrassed with his shirt off around Kendall. It is almost illegal for Kendall to have a shirt on. If some shenanigans is to be pulled, Kendall is a man you want on your team. This guy is flawless with pranks (see Highlight Reel).
Nickname: 4:30 or Yaminashi
#41 Matt Dammann
Matt is the craziest of all the seniors and a joy to be around. Matt is one of many notable athletes at NWC to call Bloomington home. Matt was scolded for being immature on the first day of camp last year (see highlight reel). Matt also was probably the first one to ever bring a speedo to breakaway. He was one of the founders of the Eagle Award and most definitely would have won the award himself. Matt prides himself with hang cleans in the weight room. Matt is part of the higher quality individuals on the football team.
Nickname: Dammo
#42 Kabakas Clark
Straight from Bartow, Florida I could barely understand his dialect when he first arrived in Minnesota. One word I kept hearing was the word finna. I had never heard this before in my hicktown of Hinton. Kabakas taught me the word finna and it has been part of my vocabulary ever since. I want to thank him for that. Kabakas has probably undergone the most change in his 4 years. He has gone from Bartow thug to semi-white Northwesterner. My favorite Kabakas moment was when Burrs hit Coach Moore in the head with a bag and Kabakas' response was "he done hit him in the head."
Nickname: Kabakas has more nicknames than anyone at NWC and that is a fact. Kabby, Coco, Coco Bear to name a few. Alternative spellings and pronunciations of his name are also allowed - Kabeckus and Kabakus.
#44 Joey Bauman
The only high school football state champion on the team. I roomed with Joey freshman year and am the reason he has developed insomnia. Joey is an assassin and the only person on the team I would legitimately not mess with. Joey sleeps with both eyes open and has eyes in the back of his head. A sizable knife can be found in his night stand next to his bed. The best gamer I have ever known and will beat you in any shooting video game. A force not to be reckoned with, especially with a weapon in his hands.
Nickname: Big Stick
#49 Kassidy Cook
A fellow Iowan and worthy of the high calling when from Iowa. The funniest man on twitter that I follow and it is not even close. His social media skills are unmatched, and may I add a fellow blogger (thoughtsfromtheguardshack.blogspot.com). Has been known to have some classy facial hair. He has been seen with a fu manchu and a mustache along with the normal goatee/beard. Kassidy was all-state on both sides of the ball in high school, and I have been trying for three years to get him to play offensive line. Perhaps this year he will reach his full potential on the offensive side of the ball.
Nickname: Kassidy is another one of the guys whose last name serves as his nickname. Cook.
#72 Ryan Friesen
Another one of B-Towns finest and working on his second year as a starter on the offensive line. Ryan has worked hard his years at Northwestern and has put on a considerable amount of mass. His celebrity look-a-like is Nick Mangold of the Jets. Ryan has been working on the locks for quite sometime now, and I expect them to be flowing out of the back of his helmet this year. The last thing I want to mention about Ryan is the extreme deepness of his voice. He is not quiet at all and can be heard from what seems to be miles out.
Nickname: Deep Freeze
#99 Valentine Awasom
Valentine roomed with Kabakas for a few weeks freshman year and this was the first time I could not understand a conversation between two men in English. Valentine is the first person I have ever seen eat chicken bone marrow and eat part of the pits of fruit. Food will not be wasted around this man. The first and only player ever at NWC to wear the 1S jersey. Since his running back days are over, this practice jersey has been retired.
Nickname: He does not have a true nickname but referring to him as "puppy" or "son" will do.
Just a note that these were the seniors participating in senior meetings. Other seniors include Brian Lecheler, Justin Horsch, Alex Zeller, Jeremy Langness, Cody Kielsa, and All-American Dave Kleiner-Wanna Be Josh Swore. I am extremely excited for the season to start and could not be more happy with the guys that I get to enjoy the ride with.
Keep Rollin Yahtzees
We are gearing up for my favorite time of year. Football season. More specifically college football season. With the college season quickly approaching comes many things. NCAA Football 13 which is a great game by the way. However you can be thankful I am not writing about my NCAA 13 dynasty (that would be a sweet blog but I am afraid I would start attracting the Chapstick crowd). What I am talking about is all the media days for the major BCS conferences that are going on this week. I was not summoned up to Minnesota this week so I am assuming the UMAC is not having a media day. That is why I am doing media day for NWC myself. I want to introduce you to the Eagle seniors you can expect to be tearing it up this year. All players are in numerical order based on last year's number except Cyle DeBoer which I will explain.
#29 Cyle DeBoer
Cyle is placed first because in the Highlight Reel blog I forgot to mention Cyle as part of the "hecklers" until I went back and edited it. So Cyle is now receiving his spotlight in this blog by being first. From the boonies of Ogilvie, MN, Cyle is as white as they come which equals nasty sharp shooter from deep. That is right I am talking about basketball when this is a football media day. Intramural season is almost as important to a few of us seniors as the football season. Cyle is the X-Factor on a Miami Heat-esque dominant team seeking its first championship.
Nickname: Cyle does not really have a nickname. Has been called Clyde by a few professors, but other than that he is known on a first name basis.
#2 Zach Markwith
Once an Iowan now a Hawaiian. Let's be honest Zach fits much better as a Hawaiian than an Iowan. Zach is very well known on the Hamline campus as the Nortwestern JV quarterback who made the immaculate throw on fourth down, and eventually finishing off the drive with a TD and two point conversion to win the game. At the 3003 Zach is known for his incredible arsenal of movie quotes and amazing skill in imitations.
Nickname: For George Palke, his real name is Markwirth or Markeef so they turned into nicknames for us along with the classic Flyin Hawaiian.
#3 Mitch Swanson
Nickname: Goose
I needed to start with the nickname portion on Mitch because Goose is more like his real name than an actual nickname. Goose has a whole other language that he speaks. When talking to Goose you may hear him say "What up mo?" or refer to other people as cats. Another thing to know about Goose is that his goal every day is to get as many people as he can to flinch. The scratch of the eyebrow is a trick tried by most of the football team but only Goose has truly mastered the scratch and mastered avoiding the flinch after the scratch. Nothing happens if you flinch except a good laugh for the master himself.
#10 Josh Balzer
My roommate and domestic partner for at least 2 years. I refuse to live without the man until he finds a wife. May I add that Josh is without a doubt the most eligible bachelor at NWC. For a few years his civil engineering homework has kept him booked (that was punny) in the room avoiding almost all relations with a female. Josh's celebrity look-a-like is Andrew Luck. What is scary is that they are more than just look-a-likes. They are both engineering majors with nearly identical personalities. Every time I watch a Luck interview I suspect Josh would give the same answers.
Nickname: I believe the Fake Bobbo (Robert A Wolcyn) started the nicknames for Balzer which none of them will be mentioned on this blog. Just to note that an acceptable nickname and used by the female crowd is J-Balz.
#25 Cody Durkee
The most sarcastic of any one of the seniors. Flat out hilarious. I can guarantee multiple laughs by only being around him for just a few minutes. To fully understand Durkee all you need to know is that his apartment was coined as the "chill zone."
Nickname: Cody does not have a nickname that I am aware of, so he is referred to by his last name. Durkee.
#28 Kendall Sommerlot
A former Pocahontas Indian but a lifelong Iowan. Kendall was an original instigator of short shorts Thursdays which provoked Talley to an infamous speech. Kendall has the body of a Greek god. Zeus would be embarrassed with his shirt off around Kendall. It is almost illegal for Kendall to have a shirt on. If some shenanigans is to be pulled, Kendall is a man you want on your team. This guy is flawless with pranks (see Highlight Reel).
Nickname: 4:30 or Yaminashi
#41 Matt Dammann
Matt is the craziest of all the seniors and a joy to be around. Matt is one of many notable athletes at NWC to call Bloomington home. Matt was scolded for being immature on the first day of camp last year (see highlight reel). Matt also was probably the first one to ever bring a speedo to breakaway. He was one of the founders of the Eagle Award and most definitely would have won the award himself. Matt prides himself with hang cleans in the weight room. Matt is part of the higher quality individuals on the football team.
Nickname: Dammo
#42 Kabakas Clark
Straight from Bartow, Florida I could barely understand his dialect when he first arrived in Minnesota. One word I kept hearing was the word finna. I had never heard this before in my hicktown of Hinton. Kabakas taught me the word finna and it has been part of my vocabulary ever since. I want to thank him for that. Kabakas has probably undergone the most change in his 4 years. He has gone from Bartow thug to semi-white Northwesterner. My favorite Kabakas moment was when Burrs hit Coach Moore in the head with a bag and Kabakas' response was "he done hit him in the head."
Nickname: Kabakas has more nicknames than anyone at NWC and that is a fact. Kabby, Coco, Coco Bear to name a few. Alternative spellings and pronunciations of his name are also allowed - Kabeckus and Kabakus.
#44 Joey Bauman
The only high school football state champion on the team. I roomed with Joey freshman year and am the reason he has developed insomnia. Joey is an assassin and the only person on the team I would legitimately not mess with. Joey sleeps with both eyes open and has eyes in the back of his head. A sizable knife can be found in his night stand next to his bed. The best gamer I have ever known and will beat you in any shooting video game. A force not to be reckoned with, especially with a weapon in his hands.
Nickname: Big Stick
#49 Kassidy Cook
A fellow Iowan and worthy of the high calling when from Iowa. The funniest man on twitter that I follow and it is not even close. His social media skills are unmatched, and may I add a fellow blogger (thoughtsfromtheguardshack.blogspot.com). Has been known to have some classy facial hair. He has been seen with a fu manchu and a mustache along with the normal goatee/beard. Kassidy was all-state on both sides of the ball in high school, and I have been trying for three years to get him to play offensive line. Perhaps this year he will reach his full potential on the offensive side of the ball.
Nickname: Kassidy is another one of the guys whose last name serves as his nickname. Cook.
#72 Ryan Friesen
Another one of B-Towns finest and working on his second year as a starter on the offensive line. Ryan has worked hard his years at Northwestern and has put on a considerable amount of mass. His celebrity look-a-like is Nick Mangold of the Jets. Ryan has been working on the locks for quite sometime now, and I expect them to be flowing out of the back of his helmet this year. The last thing I want to mention about Ryan is the extreme deepness of his voice. He is not quiet at all and can be heard from what seems to be miles out.
Nickname: Deep Freeze
#99 Valentine Awasom
Valentine roomed with Kabakas for a few weeks freshman year and this was the first time I could not understand a conversation between two men in English. Valentine is the first person I have ever seen eat chicken bone marrow and eat part of the pits of fruit. Food will not be wasted around this man. The first and only player ever at NWC to wear the 1S jersey. Since his running back days are over, this practice jersey has been retired.
Nickname: He does not have a true nickname but referring to him as "puppy" or "son" will do.
Just a note that these were the seniors participating in senior meetings. Other seniors include Brian Lecheler, Justin Horsch, Alex Zeller, Jeremy Langness, Cody Kielsa, and All-American Dave Kleiner-Wanna Be Josh Swore. I am extremely excited for the season to start and could not be more happy with the guys that I get to enjoy the ride with.
Keep Rollin Yahtzees
Monday, July 9, 2012
Male Phenomenons
One successful date for an avid follower and 30 pageviews later I am up and at it again. I cannot say how honored I am for a friend to give some credit to a blog for getting him a date. I have a tough time believing I had anything to do with it, but it serves as a good laugh and I appreciate that. My last post really tried to captivate the audience of both sexes and it appears as though it worked. Hopefully you ladies keep checking in.
So I am working at Blue Bunny (a post on Blue Bunny coming early August) and have a good amount of time to just sit and relax by myself. While I am just sitting in a warm up room by myself, I all of a sudden come to the realization of some of the phenomenons of being a man. Being a man is truly a high calling, but there are some things about men that could make you, especially women, wonder if we men are a different species all together.
It is a proven fact that women are more influenced by how a man smells rather than how he looks. This is a detriment to being a man. Let me prove my point in the first phenomenon of being a man. Men smell. I cannot explain why but men have forever been haunted with smelliness. This fact can be proven through a simple experiment. Take 5 or 6 guys and place them in an enclosed room such a dorm room. Have all of them enter freshly showered. Have the room set at comfortable room temperature around 70 degrees with a fan keeping the temperature constant. Make sure no man is physically touching another man which ensures there is plenty of leg room and space. The number one rule is no farting (this is impossible but for experiment sake it must be controlled). Turn on a movie for a couple hours and once the movie is over have a lady enter the room and it will stink. Each individual man will smell fine, but for some reason the collective group will have some major BO. I will never be able to explain why this is, but ladies we cannot help it and have no way of stopping it. It truly is head-scratcher.
My sister-in-law was down for a weekend and was complaining about my brothers outfit. He was wearing these moccasin type slippers that she was not too pleased about because they should not be worn out of the house according to her. Why is it that for years women have been trying to regulate what their spouses are wearing. I realize that if he is too sloppy it reflects on her but come on wearing moccasins to visit family seems far fetched to worry about. What really bothers wives is typically the man's entire wardrobe. Men could care less about getting new clothes as long as the old ones still fit. Why waste the money? I see no problem with wearing a shirt or pair of jeans you have from high school if still fits. Ladies are up in arms about this. It's ludicrous in their eyes. Men want comfort and there is nothing more comfortable than a pair of underwear or an old shirt that has adapted to our bodies curves, and men will hold onto these clothes like we hold onto the remote. Women on the other hand cannot bear the idea of not having new outfits and not wearing the same 5 shirts before she does the laundry again. The underlying reason for this is women just want to shop. Women want fashion and men could not care less about fashion as long as it is comfortable. This explains the underwear with huge holes in them, sweatpants all the time, walking around in just underwear when its appropriate, and of course the infamous slippers that every man has.
One of my favorite TV shows is Rules of Engagement and on an episode a couple weeks ago the married man went maternity shopping with his wife. He ended up leaving the store with a pair of maternity jeans for himself. This is brilliant and every man loves the idea of pants that expand at the waste. Not only does this avoid having to buy bigger pants when men get fatter, it also keeps us from unbottoning the pants after a big meal. Why is it that only men have to unbutton their pants after eating a lot? Maybe because we are creatures of no manners, but the women do not even have a desire to loosen up their waste line after chowing down. Perhaps the women would feel fat if they did or perhaps they refuse to stoop that low with their manners. Either or this act is meant only for the male species. Every man understands the importance of wearing sweatpants on Thanksgiving or the pants will be unbuttoned to make room for dessert.
The final phenomenon of the male species is the idea of the ultimate bathroom. Every man dreams of a bathroom with a reclining toilet, fridge, and a TV. The only reason I can think of to explain this is because this is the only room in the house that men can truly claim as their own. This is the throne room for men. All other rooms are controlled by the women with decorations. No matter how old, men for centuries have seen the importance of having something to do while they relieve themselves. Magazines are a thing of the past for current generations and men have moved on to the laptop/smartphone era. I would venture to say more men spend time on Facebook on the pot than any other specific time of the day. Men will go to obscure lengths to ensure their time on the pot is not wasted. TV's in the bathroom will hit its era in the near future, and oh hasten that day. Women there is absolutely nothing you can do about this. You have to let the man own the bathroom. Women spend much more time in the bathroom, but this is due to lengthy showers, hair/makeup, and there is always a mirror in the bathroom. When it comes to doing business, men spend much longer which is why the laptop among other things are vitally important if men are to have a successful time dropping a deuce.
Know that this list is far from exhaustive and there are countless other male phenomenons. I apologize if you leave this post scratching your head at manhood just as much as before you starting reading. I attempted to explain some of the strangest male phenomenons, but sometimes there are things that will always be left unexplained. Thus the fact that they are phenomenons.
Keep Rolling Yahtzees
So I am working at Blue Bunny (a post on Blue Bunny coming early August) and have a good amount of time to just sit and relax by myself. While I am just sitting in a warm up room by myself, I all of a sudden come to the realization of some of the phenomenons of being a man. Being a man is truly a high calling, but there are some things about men that could make you, especially women, wonder if we men are a different species all together.
It is a proven fact that women are more influenced by how a man smells rather than how he looks. This is a detriment to being a man. Let me prove my point in the first phenomenon of being a man. Men smell. I cannot explain why but men have forever been haunted with smelliness. This fact can be proven through a simple experiment. Take 5 or 6 guys and place them in an enclosed room such a dorm room. Have all of them enter freshly showered. Have the room set at comfortable room temperature around 70 degrees with a fan keeping the temperature constant. Make sure no man is physically touching another man which ensures there is plenty of leg room and space. The number one rule is no farting (this is impossible but for experiment sake it must be controlled). Turn on a movie for a couple hours and once the movie is over have a lady enter the room and it will stink. Each individual man will smell fine, but for some reason the collective group will have some major BO. I will never be able to explain why this is, but ladies we cannot help it and have no way of stopping it. It truly is head-scratcher.
My sister-in-law was down for a weekend and was complaining about my brothers outfit. He was wearing these moccasin type slippers that she was not too pleased about because they should not be worn out of the house according to her. Why is it that for years women have been trying to regulate what their spouses are wearing. I realize that if he is too sloppy it reflects on her but come on wearing moccasins to visit family seems far fetched to worry about. What really bothers wives is typically the man's entire wardrobe. Men could care less about getting new clothes as long as the old ones still fit. Why waste the money? I see no problem with wearing a shirt or pair of jeans you have from high school if still fits. Ladies are up in arms about this. It's ludicrous in their eyes. Men want comfort and there is nothing more comfortable than a pair of underwear or an old shirt that has adapted to our bodies curves, and men will hold onto these clothes like we hold onto the remote. Women on the other hand cannot bear the idea of not having new outfits and not wearing the same 5 shirts before she does the laundry again. The underlying reason for this is women just want to shop. Women want fashion and men could not care less about fashion as long as it is comfortable. This explains the underwear with huge holes in them, sweatpants all the time, walking around in just underwear when its appropriate, and of course the infamous slippers that every man has.
One of my favorite TV shows is Rules of Engagement and on an episode a couple weeks ago the married man went maternity shopping with his wife. He ended up leaving the store with a pair of maternity jeans for himself. This is brilliant and every man loves the idea of pants that expand at the waste. Not only does this avoid having to buy bigger pants when men get fatter, it also keeps us from unbottoning the pants after a big meal. Why is it that only men have to unbutton their pants after eating a lot? Maybe because we are creatures of no manners, but the women do not even have a desire to loosen up their waste line after chowing down. Perhaps the women would feel fat if they did or perhaps they refuse to stoop that low with their manners. Either or this act is meant only for the male species. Every man understands the importance of wearing sweatpants on Thanksgiving or the pants will be unbuttoned to make room for dessert.
The final phenomenon of the male species is the idea of the ultimate bathroom. Every man dreams of a bathroom with a reclining toilet, fridge, and a TV. The only reason I can think of to explain this is because this is the only room in the house that men can truly claim as their own. This is the throne room for men. All other rooms are controlled by the women with decorations. No matter how old, men for centuries have seen the importance of having something to do while they relieve themselves. Magazines are a thing of the past for current generations and men have moved on to the laptop/smartphone era. I would venture to say more men spend time on Facebook on the pot than any other specific time of the day. Men will go to obscure lengths to ensure their time on the pot is not wasted. TV's in the bathroom will hit its era in the near future, and oh hasten that day. Women there is absolutely nothing you can do about this. You have to let the man own the bathroom. Women spend much more time in the bathroom, but this is due to lengthy showers, hair/makeup, and there is always a mirror in the bathroom. When it comes to doing business, men spend much longer which is why the laptop among other things are vitally important if men are to have a successful time dropping a deuce.
Know that this list is far from exhaustive and there are countless other male phenomenons. I apologize if you leave this post scratching your head at manhood just as much as before you starting reading. I attempted to explain some of the strangest male phenomenons, but sometimes there are things that will always be left unexplained. Thus the fact that they are phenomenons.
Keep Rolling Yahtzees
Sunday, June 24, 2012
Relationships 101
Wow has it ever been a while since you have gotten Yahtzee's
roll on life. I would like to think that my poor viewership is because it is
nice out and people are enjoying their summer break. The key word there is
"like". A whoppin 6 people read the last one. I even tried to
estimate the percentage of the world population who would read it, and I
overestimated big time. I have a feeling this is due to me only appealing to
the male population. So I have decided at least for this one time to try and
appeal to both sexes.
I have titled this post Relationships 101 and have mentioned
jokingly a few times that I should hold a seminar in chapel for the women at
NWC. Even though I think I am an expert in this field, my in class experiments
have not received very high marks so I cannot move up to 201 until I pass 101.
Hopefully if you are in this 101 stage I can help you move up to 201. I will be
covering some of the basics I have gathered over my failed experiments while
throwing in some of my own roll.
When writing a paper or giving a speech you are supposed to
establish some credibility. This is where this blog falls apart. I am trying to
appeal to both sexes in this post but I cannot even do it real life, so I am
still unsure how I will do it in this blog. This is either great news or bad
news. Great news if you are a lady and wondering if I am single. Bad news if
you are lady because you have already quit reading or because by the end of
this post my situation with the ladies will probably worsen. I see this as a
double win (thanks coach Talley for helping me see the double win in every
situation even when it is a double lose).
CHICK FLICKS: Every girl I have ever known loves The
Notebook and thoroughly enjoys watching a romantic film AKA "chick
flicks". Honestly I do not mind watching a chick flick every now and then
(However I refuse to watch The Notebook until I am very advanced in a
relationship or married). The key to watching a chick flick is seeing it from
the man's perspective. For example, How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days from the man's
view is How to Win a Girl Over in 10 days. I know, I am a genius. Now back to
my point with chick flicks. In these movies, the girl always realizes near the
end that the man she originally was going after was a loser and there was another
guy who loved her for who she was. This is all happy and lovey dovey but far
from reality. I want to see a chick flick where the girl does not figure out
the guy is a loser, and she ends up marrying him and there isn't a happy
ending. Statistics prove that about 50% of the time this happens, even to the
finest of NWC. Therefore, I think about 50% of chick flicks should have a bad
ending. Get back to reality women.
MORALE OF THE STORY: Women tend to think with their hearts more than
their brains. Make sure you are using both.
EXCLUSIVE: People always talk and ask "so are you guys
exclusive?" This is the dumbest thing in my opinion. I think you are
always exclusive. Either you are exclusive to yourself or you are exclusive
with one person. Obviously exclusive to yourself means you are single and not
talking to anyone of the opposite sex. Exclusive to one person means you are
talking, dating, or married to one person. If you find yourself talking to
someone of the opposite sex and then find out they are interested in someone
else, one of two things happened. Either they are pulling the "we are just
friends" or they were confused on who they liked. Either way these are not
the people you want to be going after. There should never be a time where you
are talking to multiple people. People have enough trouble dealing with one
person. How are you supposed to handle multiple? And do not give me that bull
"oh we are just friends and talk a lot" (I will cover this BS more in
depth later).
MORALE OF THE STORY: Men be a "one woman" man.
Women be a "one man" woman.
HANGING OUT: This is directed at women for the most part but
could be pointed at some men. No dude just wants to hang out with girls because
if he is just looking for a good time he will choose hanging out with other dudes
every time. Let's face it. Dudes are just way funnier and come up with crazier
plans and ideas. This is why women love to hang out with guys and think nothing
is there. In reality, if a guy is hanging out with girls there are a couple
reasons why. Number 1, and usually the only reason, is that he is interested in
a girl. If the hanging out is always in a group this is because the guy is not
ready for a one-on-one hangout yet. If you are a girl and think hanging out
with a guy one-on-one is because you are just friends, think again. Number
2 is that one of the dudes friends has a girlfriend so his guy friends are just
hanging out with her girl friends. This is a group setting and completely
harmless. But what you may find in this scenario, is that you find a special
someone anyway because that is what couples do. They set up their
friends.
MORALE OF THE STORY: Men, do not just hang out with girls
unless you have a motive because this is how women get confused. Women if you
are hanging out with a guy mano a mano he is most certainly interested.
JUST FRIENDS: The worst possible thing a man can hear is
"I wanna be just friends" or "we are just friends". I know
for me and probably many other men as well, I would rather just get rejected
than have a girl want to be "just friends". The only time a man
may say he still wants to be friends with a girl is after a break up or
stoppage of play, but this is only because he does not want it to be
awkward. And by the way, aren't you supposed to marry your best friend? So
when a girl says she wants to be "just friends" a man should be
optimistic right? Even I cannot take that last statement seriously. To the
girls, no guy wants to be just friends. Referring back to the hanging out
section, if a guy was looking to be "just friends" he might as well
forget the girl and go back to his guy friends. Girls are the only ones who
benefit from being "just friends" because like I said before, dudes
are just hilarious and awesome to be around. Women who are "just
friends" have a parasitic relationship with men. They benefit while the
man is harmed.
MORALE OF THE STORY: "Just friends" rivals one
other scenario (I will cover the other one later) as the worst situation for a
man to be in. Men avoid it. Women don't ruin a man like that.
FRIEND ZONE: This is the most dangerous territory for a man
to be around. There is a fine line between the friend zone and becoming friends
with a girl to hopefully court her. When I say this line is fine, it is so fine
that you could be on one side of the line and then all of a sudden a slight
breeze blows you way over to the other side. This might as well be called the
DANGER ZONE instead of the FRIEND ZONE. It is unbelievably obvious when someone
is in the friend zone, too. I often find myself laughing at these people even
though somewhere deep down inside I grieve for that man because sometimes it is
not his fault. Women are too shallow sometimes. It is a double standard, but
men are "allowed" to be shallow because they get to choose who they
go after (Ultimately it is the girl who decides if they date or not so women
use this power wisely). However, some guys live in the friend zone. I
have no sympathy for these guys. For some reason they love getting deep into
the friend zone with a bunch of girls. I think to myself "hey dude that's
cool that you have all those sweet girl friends but don't have any guy
friends." That was sarcastic of course. If you are a guy and find yourself
getting close to the friend zone it is time to SOAP (strap on a pair) up and
ask her on a date. If you get rejected nothing changes except all of a sudden
you become exclusive to yourself which is actually pretty awesome. Do not ever
get rejected and continue down the path of the "just friends" but we
hang out all the time. Once you start down the dark path of the friend zone,
forever will it dominate your destiny (just had a Yoda moment there). There are
RARE instances where a man must enter the friend zone. This is usually because
she is not ready to date for whatever reason. Tread carefully my young
grasshoppers, and as soon as you sense the friend zone becoming long-term get
the heck out of dodge.
MORALE OF THE STORY: Men, SOAP up and ask her out. Women do
not let a man wander in the friend zone. Let him know if he has chance or if he
should give up.
GOD RELATIONSHIP: There is no doubt if you have been around
the NWC campus, or any Christian campus for that matter, you have heard of this
statement “I need to work on my relationship with God before we can date.” This
is lamest excuse known to the relationship world and rivals “just friends” as
the worst possible situation for a man to be in. Most of the time I interpret
it to mean “I don’t want to date you now or ever”. The worst part about this
excuse is that it is flawless. It is un-arguable. If you question someone
saying they don’t need to work on their relationship with God, you all of a
sudden become a heathen. Maybe I am a terrible person because I question the
validity of this excuse all the time. Shouldn’t you have your relationship with
God worked out before you even attempt to start seriously talking to a member
of the opposite sex? Are all these people suddenly realizing “oh shoot I really
like this awesome person but my relationship with God sucks?” Ya I laughed
at that last statement, too. According to Proverbs, iron sharpens iron so
technically a relationship with another human should strengthen your
relationship with God. Drew Shepp just hashtagged boom right there (don’t you
just hate when you know you are a genius). I could semi understand a situation
where this excuse is used, and the couple continue to hang out and move towards
dating. AKA the “hiatus.” I still do not applaud that situation, but at least
it lacks the underlying meaning of this excuse most of the time.
MORALE OF THE STORY: Getting your vertical relationship
right before you work on a horizontal relationship with the opposite sex will
help you avoid this excuse forever.
These are just a few of the basics to the relationship
world. Thus this is only a 100 level post. Sometimes the truth can hurt
and this post maybe opened a few eyes. I have no filter and I speak
truth. Hopefully with my help you have passed Relationships 101. I realize
that in my due time I may too pass, but until then I am in the Bachelor to the
Rapture club and reppin hard.
Keep Rollin Yahtzees
Thursday, May 24, 2012
Home Alone: Hinton
I am chilling at the hotel in Florida pre-gaming because I have about 45 minutes before we go to Ruth's Chris Steak House. Before I purged myself to near death levels, I figured I would put together another blog post that .0000000036 of the world will read. That number is based on past viewership and of course boosted a bit because I figure I can only go up from here. Also, it could only help my ego so I rounded up a hair. If you were hoping I am going to write about my time in Florida so far, you can stop reading because I am not going there. Sorry for the let down, but since you already opened up the blog post my numbers will still appear as though you read the whole thing.
Now that you know I am in Florida, I want to share a little about my past few days before I arrived in the sunshine state. My family (Dad, Nate, Stephen) left on Friday afternoon and drove down. Meanwhile Jon drove down to Omaha Friday night and his flight left early Saturday morning. So from Friday night to Wednesday afternoon I was the man of the house (not that I am not most of the time anyway). Being the lone wolf in the house brought several things to my attention. Some of these things were positive while others were negative. You always want to hear the bad news first before the good news, so I figure why ruin a good thing.
1. Food
By far the biggest negative was my food issue. If you read my post "Pinterest Confessions" then you already know far too well my cooking abilities or lack there of. If not, I will give you a quick reminder. My entire cooking repertoire is eggs, cereal, sandwiches, mac n cheese, and hot dogs (especially cheesy hot dogs). This is the entire list I gathered verbatim from that post. Honestly I did not even plan it this way, but ironically (or not because those are my only options) those were the only things I ate for meals during my stay alone. Embarrassing, funny, empathetic. However you want to feel about that last statement is fine with me. Breakfast is always cereal. At Blue Bunny, I always have some sort of sandwich for my lunch. I cannot recall for sure, but I think this was the exact order of my supper time meals starting Friday night and ending Tuesday night. Mac n cheese, hot dogs, sandwiches, eggs, mac n cheese. If I am going to remain single for long after my college days, I fear for my life due to being malnourished. Either that or my rock solid abs will turn into a flabby gut real quick. Oddly enough, both death and obesity severely limit my future options when it comes to a relationship.
Besides being a necessity for life, food was really my only problem, and for just a short while I seemed to manage just fine. Obviously I was a tiny bit lonely a couple hours over the weekend, but it was nice to just relax and be a lone ranger for a few days. Since I am naturally optimistic, it should not come by surprise that I have a few more positives than negatives. By numbering these, know that I am merely making a list rather than stack ranking them.
1. Laundry
When you first see laundry, you probably think "wait shouldn't this be a negative?" However, the laundry issue is about as far from negative as possible. In fact, so far from a negative that it turns out it's a positive (ironically I placed it in the positives). Just to note that when it comes to doing laundry I am stellar, and that may be an understatement. Family members can vouch for me on this one. Yet, for how good I am at doing laundry, I am at least twice as good at not doing laundry if I do not have to. Hopefully by now you are starting to get the hint. Yes of course I was wearing clothes when out in public thankfully (or not depending on how you want to take that). Home was really not that much different except that my articles of clothing were significantly reduced. Enough to walk out of the garage and move my car, but not enough to stay outside for long without the neighbors getting calls. I will let your mind wander from there and fill in the details however you wish. The point is that besides what I was wearing to work, there was not much else for laundry. That is a good thing.
2. Cleaning
Once again this may seem like a negative. However, cleaning kept me busy. After all, who doesn't enjoy the satisfaction of being able to lie down on the couch in a clean home. Thanks to my wonderful mother, I am very meticulous when it comes to the cleanliness of many areas of my living space. My room is allowed to be an organized mess. Everything else I prefer to be spotless, especially the man cave and kitchen. To my surprise (shocked face), when my family left it was far from spotless. So, thanks to my mom, thanks to my pig brothers, much of Saturday was spent getting some things in order. Even some of my college items which I did not even touch until the beginning of July last summer. Getting everything cleaned up, especially the kitchen, is essential for a pleasant arrival home. I need a couple quick scenarios to demonstrate the importance of this.
Now that you know I am in Florida, I want to share a little about my past few days before I arrived in the sunshine state. My family (Dad, Nate, Stephen) left on Friday afternoon and drove down. Meanwhile Jon drove down to Omaha Friday night and his flight left early Saturday morning. So from Friday night to Wednesday afternoon I was the man of the house (not that I am not most of the time anyway). Being the lone wolf in the house brought several things to my attention. Some of these things were positive while others were negative. You always want to hear the bad news first before the good news, so I figure why ruin a good thing.
1. Food
By far the biggest negative was my food issue. If you read my post "Pinterest Confessions" then you already know far too well my cooking abilities or lack there of. If not, I will give you a quick reminder. My entire cooking repertoire is eggs, cereal, sandwiches, mac n cheese, and hot dogs (especially cheesy hot dogs). This is the entire list I gathered verbatim from that post. Honestly I did not even plan it this way, but ironically (or not because those are my only options) those were the only things I ate for meals during my stay alone. Embarrassing, funny, empathetic. However you want to feel about that last statement is fine with me. Breakfast is always cereal. At Blue Bunny, I always have some sort of sandwich for my lunch. I cannot recall for sure, but I think this was the exact order of my supper time meals starting Friday night and ending Tuesday night. Mac n cheese, hot dogs, sandwiches, eggs, mac n cheese. If I am going to remain single for long after my college days, I fear for my life due to being malnourished. Either that or my rock solid abs will turn into a flabby gut real quick. Oddly enough, both death and obesity severely limit my future options when it comes to a relationship.
Besides being a necessity for life, food was really my only problem, and for just a short while I seemed to manage just fine. Obviously I was a tiny bit lonely a couple hours over the weekend, but it was nice to just relax and be a lone ranger for a few days. Since I am naturally optimistic, it should not come by surprise that I have a few more positives than negatives. By numbering these, know that I am merely making a list rather than stack ranking them.
1. Laundry
When you first see laundry, you probably think "wait shouldn't this be a negative?" However, the laundry issue is about as far from negative as possible. In fact, so far from a negative that it turns out it's a positive (ironically I placed it in the positives). Just to note that when it comes to doing laundry I am stellar, and that may be an understatement. Family members can vouch for me on this one. Yet, for how good I am at doing laundry, I am at least twice as good at not doing laundry if I do not have to. Hopefully by now you are starting to get the hint. Yes of course I was wearing clothes when out in public thankfully (or not depending on how you want to take that). Home was really not that much different except that my articles of clothing were significantly reduced. Enough to walk out of the garage and move my car, but not enough to stay outside for long without the neighbors getting calls. I will let your mind wander from there and fill in the details however you wish. The point is that besides what I was wearing to work, there was not much else for laundry. That is a good thing.
2. Cleaning
Once again this may seem like a negative. However, cleaning kept me busy. After all, who doesn't enjoy the satisfaction of being able to lie down on the couch in a clean home. Thanks to my wonderful mother, I am very meticulous when it comes to the cleanliness of many areas of my living space. My room is allowed to be an organized mess. Everything else I prefer to be spotless, especially the man cave and kitchen. To my surprise (shocked face), when my family left it was far from spotless. So, thanks to my mom, thanks to my pig brothers, much of Saturday was spent getting some things in order. Even some of my college items which I did not even touch until the beginning of July last summer. Getting everything cleaned up, especially the kitchen, is essential for a pleasant arrival home. I need a couple quick scenarios to demonstrate the importance of this.
Scenario A: When I was younger we came back from vacation (I believe it was Florida that time as well) and the house reeked of a stench worse than most people are capable of producing. Turns out that someone had left something in the microwave that ending up rotting. Woof!
Scenario B: This past year at the 3003 all the roommates left for spring break. Learning from scenario A all my dishes were clean and put away when I left for break. A couple of my roommates were not as smart or just flat out lazier than I, because I came back to the stench of Scenario A's older brother. Lucky me, I was attempting to entertain a special guest and had to inform them to plug their nose as they entered the dorm. Then quickly state that it was my roommates fault and not mine.
It is safe to assume that when my dad arrives home he will be well pleased with a tidied-up home and a clean cut lawn.
3. TV
There is nothing more important to a man watching TV than to have the remote. Even if it means watching a stupid show that your girlfriend/wife wants to watch, a man will be much more reluctant to watch if he is holding the remote (women that is your cue to take a note on how to get your man to watch something you want him to watch). By now you are probably questioning me because I have neither a girlfriend or a wife. However, I have brothers who do just as good of job at watching dumb shows as any girlfriend or wife. During my stay alone, I had control of both remotes to our big screen TV's at all times. I cannot even watch both at the same time, but knowing I had control to any TV is a great feeling. I never once had to worry about turning on the TV and having to watch Cake Boss or Pawn Stars for a split second before I quickly change the channel. Despite my little time to indulge in a lot of TV, those days at home by myself was probably the best TV viewing experience I have had in a long time (maybe ever).
My time at home alone was a good time of peace of quiet. I did not have to adhere to any other's wishes or rules. I did exactly what I wanted to do when I wanted to do it. The positives always seem to outweigh the negatives, and once again this holds true.
Keep Rolling Yahtzees
Saturday, May 12, 2012
Highlight Reel
It has been a little over a week since my last post and I figured it is about time I throw another one out there to keep everyone entertained. Due to the length in between posts and the fact I have nothing to do now that school is over, this post is going to have some girth to it. I have a feeling that everyone has been on their toes in anticipation of this post. Not because the content of my blog is good or anything, but more so due to a tweet sent out earlier by me saying how awesome this post is going to be. My last post received 13 pageviews (1 of which was me so essentially 12) which is far more publicity than originally expected. Even though this blog is big time now I will continue to keep my ego in check because with great power comes great responsibility. I will forever remember those who have blogged before me and give me inspiration to continue. The great Mark the Shark and of course from our very own at NDubs, Lance Wetberg.
Most people see this time of year as extremely fun and enjoyable, a time of relaxation. Summer is finally here. Well technically we have to wait another 5 weeks, but according to students (or their parents) it is summer. Yet for NWC girls this time of year, especially this past week, can be a rough patch for them. Saying goodbye to friends for 3 months is one of the hardest things to do without crying. Ok so that was a lie and maybe I am just heartless, but I just do not get it. For the most part these relationships that provoke crying are the ones between a couple of people who will stay in regular contact over the summer anyway.
Alright I apologize for the glimpse of touchy feely stuff and will go onto the main point. It has been another epic year at the 3003 and it is time to look back on some of the highlights of the year. I do not have time to hit everything so if something gets left out it must not have been that good of a highlight because I already forgot about it. These highlights are in no particular order and I am leaving it up to a power greater than myself (my viewers) to verbally or non verbally rank them if they wish.
1. "You were a sophomore last year" ~ Coach Talley
Within five minutes of the 2011 football season, Matt "Dammo" Dammann was already being scolded by the head coach. The typical clowns (Goose, Cyle, Tom, Dammo, Delain, Balzer, Entler, me, and others) are seated in the back row in between conversation and paying attention to all the ridiculous rules we must adhere to as NCAA DIII athletes. If I recall the situation correctly, Goose lifted up a cheek and let out a squeaker. Being as immature as we are, guys are chuckling under their breath to avoid a scene in the back of the room. Without hesitation Dammo says "PULL" while lifting his arms in the air resembling a gun at the same time. By now the back of the room is not doing a very good job of keeping the laughter under control. Heads are turning in the front rows. Coach Talley seeing the entire episode in real time, yells back at his understudy "you were a sophomore last year." To this day this quote is used whenever anything immature is done.
2. "Hiatus"
Thanks to me at least 3 other people's vocabulary added a new word. Dictionary.com defines hiatus as a break or interruption in the continuity of a work, series, action, etc. This is exactly how we defined Repp's relationship status. He was on a hiatus. Both he and Mollie knew they wanted to date, but for some reason there was an interruption in the work. The hiatus finally ended in early December, but for the previous 3 months it was a great joke. Also, it was funny to see Repp delaying them becoming official for as long as he could. Classic Repp, always late and never in a hurry.
3. 3rd floor Moyer girls
The great part about pranking girls, especially homeschoolers, is that guys always come up with something far more disgusting than any girl can think of. As I remember it, some girls decided to go through our back door to get into the building. Balzer chased them up the stairwell, and when he got back he looked out onto our porch and there were corn cobs and husks laying in our area. Balzer informed GT of the shenanigans taking place. GT then took the corn cobs and husks and chucked them up onto the 3rd floor porch belonging to these girls. Knowing an epic battle was about to occur, Balzer called in the cavalry and Repp and I were coming in hot. The girls threw the trash back down and it was war. Of course in MoTown, we had trash reserves for weeks in our kitchen. We began throwing random trash up onto their deck. They kept throwing it back so we needed to figure out a way to not allow them to throw it back. We filled up a garbage bag with 10 year old whey protein, bad milk, pasta sauce, ranch, and other spoiled food. Upon throwing the bag up on the deck it exploded all over their door and into the room on the walls. It smelled so bad that one girl threw up at least twice. Next thing we know they are attempting to barge into our room and four guys are having some trouble holding them back if you know what I mean (granted I was only a month or so out from ACL surgery). We tried spraying febreeze to hold them back but one girl got it in her eye (potential chemical burn there that GT would know all about). We decided to help her out with some toilet paper to clean out her eye. The girls now wanted to form a truce and have us help them clean up, but there was no way we were going up there. Somehow we convinced them to buy us donuts and a 2 liter of Mountain Dew for us. We took the deal and did not clean up a single thing. Double win for MoTown.
4. Cole Mortels Potty Mouth
Basketball season is something to look forward to every year. Watching the "Wet Quartet" go to work each game makes for a good time. However, for the "heckling section" (Dammo, Cyle, Hap, Rio, Entler, Chris Wallace, and I) we care far more about getting in the opponents' heads than cheering for our own squad. The Eagles were squaring off with the Saints from St. Scholastica and we were hot. The game was starting to get carried away, and we were on our game in the heckling section. Cole Mortels, a Saints freshman, had shot multiple air balls during the game and we were letting him know about it. Every time he touched the ball, "air ball" chants were heading his way. Late in the game he put up a trey ball after we had been yelling "air ball" at him, he proceeded to hit the shot, turn around, and point his finger at our section saying "F*** You." Later we played St. Scholastica in the conference tourney and every time he touched the ball we changed our chant from "air ball" to "potty mouth."
5. The four pranksters
It is a Friday night and MoTown is just trying to hang out with the same girls we have been chilling with for months (Mollie, BK, Erin, Jana). However, they had been planning this bonfire at another guys house who they hardly even knew. For some reason we thought this was unacceptable and we were not happy. Balzer was not in for the night due to some homework like normal. Me, Repp, and GT called over Kendall "Yaminashi" Sommerlot. We had determined to prank their car by putting it up on cinder blocks, saran wrap it, and maybe string some empty pop cans to drag across the ground under the car. We sat in the old folks home and waited to follow them to the destination. Everything was going as planned, but then we lost them on the interstate. Luckily GT already had a potential address we thought they may be headed to. We arrived just shortly after them and headed to Wal-Mart to get supplies. We got back to the bonfire and went to work. We placed cinder blocks just inside the 2 front tires leaving the car elevated about an inch off the ground. We started saran wrapping and used at least 4 rolls on the car. We went back to get the empty pop cans, but when Kendall and Repp were getting close to the car, people from the bonfire were in the front yard. They ran to our predestined meet up spot and we soon picked them up. We were far to impressed with ourselves to leave like that, so we made a couple rounds driving past the car on side streets. On the final round, we gave a good long honk to let them know they had been had. We drove back to MoTown gawking at our work for the night.
6. "Oh Deer"
One Sunday in early November MFrat was driving back from church and saw a dead deer in the median. We did not think anything of it and continued on with the day. Later in the afternoon we were getting restless and were feeling the need to pull some shenanigans. Someone (I wish I could remember who) jokingly said we should pick up that dead deer and do something with it. We laughed at the idea, but within a few minutes that dumb idea started to become a reality. GT went to the spring shop to pick up the truck we needed while we informed Kendall and Kabakas we needed help to pull some fun. We picked up the dead deer in the median and placed it into the truck (Its broken front leg was the least of our problems because you could smell that foul stench from miles away). Kendall was driving, along with GT in the truck, and we pulled up to Ashley Neelans house and dragged the dead deer across her front lawn placing it right outside her front door. Now we sat and waited for an epic reaction. It never came. We were getting restless. We reentered our vehicles and continued to sit and wait. We knew the girls had looked out the front door, but for some reason they did not open the front door. So we thought maybe if we drove away to look like we were leaving the scene of the crime they would come out to assess the damage. We lied in the bushes waiting. Next thing we know, a spot light is looking down the street. Repp and I recognize the fuzz and we scram like a bunch of illegals when the INS shows up. We hop a couple fences (this is before I had ACL surgery) and ran down to a cul-de-sac about a half mile from her house. Meanwhile Kendall, Coco, Balzer, and GT were hiding in the bushes avoiding the cops. Finally, the cops gave up and walked down the street saying they had already tagged the vehicles and knew who we were. Those four came out of the bushes and after realizing it was just a prank the cops laughed and asked Ashley if she wanted to press charges. She said no, but we had to clean up the mess. This was by far our worst prank because we actually had to clean up the mess. That was awful, but well worth it.
This year was just another year great year at the NDubs and I felt I needed to reminisce on some of the fun we had over the course of the year. I want to thank everyone who has helped make this year a success with their contributions to the Highlight Reel.
Keep Rolling Yahtzees
Most people see this time of year as extremely fun and enjoyable, a time of relaxation. Summer is finally here. Well technically we have to wait another 5 weeks, but according to students (or their parents) it is summer. Yet for NWC girls this time of year, especially this past week, can be a rough patch for them. Saying goodbye to friends for 3 months is one of the hardest things to do without crying. Ok so that was a lie and maybe I am just heartless, but I just do not get it. For the most part these relationships that provoke crying are the ones between a couple of people who will stay in regular contact over the summer anyway.
Alright I apologize for the glimpse of touchy feely stuff and will go onto the main point. It has been another epic year at the 3003 and it is time to look back on some of the highlights of the year. I do not have time to hit everything so if something gets left out it must not have been that good of a highlight because I already forgot about it. These highlights are in no particular order and I am leaving it up to a power greater than myself (my viewers) to verbally or non verbally rank them if they wish.
1. "You were a sophomore last year" ~ Coach Talley
Within five minutes of the 2011 football season, Matt "Dammo" Dammann was already being scolded by the head coach. The typical clowns (Goose, Cyle, Tom, Dammo, Delain, Balzer, Entler, me, and others) are seated in the back row in between conversation and paying attention to all the ridiculous rules we must adhere to as NCAA DIII athletes. If I recall the situation correctly, Goose lifted up a cheek and let out a squeaker. Being as immature as we are, guys are chuckling under their breath to avoid a scene in the back of the room. Without hesitation Dammo says "PULL" while lifting his arms in the air resembling a gun at the same time. By now the back of the room is not doing a very good job of keeping the laughter under control. Heads are turning in the front rows. Coach Talley seeing the entire episode in real time, yells back at his understudy "you were a sophomore last year." To this day this quote is used whenever anything immature is done.
2. "Hiatus"
Thanks to me at least 3 other people's vocabulary added a new word. Dictionary.com defines hiatus as a break or interruption in the continuity of a work, series, action, etc. This is exactly how we defined Repp's relationship status. He was on a hiatus. Both he and Mollie knew they wanted to date, but for some reason there was an interruption in the work. The hiatus finally ended in early December, but for the previous 3 months it was a great joke. Also, it was funny to see Repp delaying them becoming official for as long as he could. Classic Repp, always late and never in a hurry.
3. 3rd floor Moyer girls
The great part about pranking girls, especially homeschoolers, is that guys always come up with something far more disgusting than any girl can think of. As I remember it, some girls decided to go through our back door to get into the building. Balzer chased them up the stairwell, and when he got back he looked out onto our porch and there were corn cobs and husks laying in our area. Balzer informed GT of the shenanigans taking place. GT then took the corn cobs and husks and chucked them up onto the 3rd floor porch belonging to these girls. Knowing an epic battle was about to occur, Balzer called in the cavalry and Repp and I were coming in hot. The girls threw the trash back down and it was war. Of course in MoTown, we had trash reserves for weeks in our kitchen. We began throwing random trash up onto their deck. They kept throwing it back so we needed to figure out a way to not allow them to throw it back. We filled up a garbage bag with 10 year old whey protein, bad milk, pasta sauce, ranch, and other spoiled food. Upon throwing the bag up on the deck it exploded all over their door and into the room on the walls. It smelled so bad that one girl threw up at least twice. Next thing we know they are attempting to barge into our room and four guys are having some trouble holding them back if you know what I mean (granted I was only a month or so out from ACL surgery). We tried spraying febreeze to hold them back but one girl got it in her eye (potential chemical burn there that GT would know all about). We decided to help her out with some toilet paper to clean out her eye. The girls now wanted to form a truce and have us help them clean up, but there was no way we were going up there. Somehow we convinced them to buy us donuts and a 2 liter of Mountain Dew for us. We took the deal and did not clean up a single thing. Double win for MoTown.
4. Cole Mortels Potty Mouth
Basketball season is something to look forward to every year. Watching the "Wet Quartet" go to work each game makes for a good time. However, for the "heckling section" (Dammo, Cyle, Hap, Rio, Entler, Chris Wallace, and I) we care far more about getting in the opponents' heads than cheering for our own squad. The Eagles were squaring off with the Saints from St. Scholastica and we were hot. The game was starting to get carried away, and we were on our game in the heckling section. Cole Mortels, a Saints freshman, had shot multiple air balls during the game and we were letting him know about it. Every time he touched the ball, "air ball" chants were heading his way. Late in the game he put up a trey ball after we had been yelling "air ball" at him, he proceeded to hit the shot, turn around, and point his finger at our section saying "F*** You." Later we played St. Scholastica in the conference tourney and every time he touched the ball we changed our chant from "air ball" to "potty mouth."
5. The four pranksters
It is a Friday night and MoTown is just trying to hang out with the same girls we have been chilling with for months (Mollie, BK, Erin, Jana). However, they had been planning this bonfire at another guys house who they hardly even knew. For some reason we thought this was unacceptable and we were not happy. Balzer was not in for the night due to some homework like normal. Me, Repp, and GT called over Kendall "Yaminashi" Sommerlot. We had determined to prank their car by putting it up on cinder blocks, saran wrap it, and maybe string some empty pop cans to drag across the ground under the car. We sat in the old folks home and waited to follow them to the destination. Everything was going as planned, but then we lost them on the interstate. Luckily GT already had a potential address we thought they may be headed to. We arrived just shortly after them and headed to Wal-Mart to get supplies. We got back to the bonfire and went to work. We placed cinder blocks just inside the 2 front tires leaving the car elevated about an inch off the ground. We started saran wrapping and used at least 4 rolls on the car. We went back to get the empty pop cans, but when Kendall and Repp were getting close to the car, people from the bonfire were in the front yard. They ran to our predestined meet up spot and we soon picked them up. We were far to impressed with ourselves to leave like that, so we made a couple rounds driving past the car on side streets. On the final round, we gave a good long honk to let them know they had been had. We drove back to MoTown gawking at our work for the night.
6. "Oh Deer"
One Sunday in early November MFrat was driving back from church and saw a dead deer in the median. We did not think anything of it and continued on with the day. Later in the afternoon we were getting restless and were feeling the need to pull some shenanigans. Someone (I wish I could remember who) jokingly said we should pick up that dead deer and do something with it. We laughed at the idea, but within a few minutes that dumb idea started to become a reality. GT went to the spring shop to pick up the truck we needed while we informed Kendall and Kabakas we needed help to pull some fun. We picked up the dead deer in the median and placed it into the truck (Its broken front leg was the least of our problems because you could smell that foul stench from miles away). Kendall was driving, along with GT in the truck, and we pulled up to Ashley Neelans house and dragged the dead deer across her front lawn placing it right outside her front door. Now we sat and waited for an epic reaction. It never came. We were getting restless. We reentered our vehicles and continued to sit and wait. We knew the girls had looked out the front door, but for some reason they did not open the front door. So we thought maybe if we drove away to look like we were leaving the scene of the crime they would come out to assess the damage. We lied in the bushes waiting. Next thing we know, a spot light is looking down the street. Repp and I recognize the fuzz and we scram like a bunch of illegals when the INS shows up. We hop a couple fences (this is before I had ACL surgery) and ran down to a cul-de-sac about a half mile from her house. Meanwhile Kendall, Coco, Balzer, and GT were hiding in the bushes avoiding the cops. Finally, the cops gave up and walked down the street saying they had already tagged the vehicles and knew who we were. Those four came out of the bushes and after realizing it was just a prank the cops laughed and asked Ashley if she wanted to press charges. She said no, but we had to clean up the mess. This was by far our worst prank because we actually had to clean up the mess. That was awful, but well worth it.
This year was just another year great year at the NDubs and I felt I needed to reminisce on some of the fun we had over the course of the year. I want to thank everyone who has helped make this year a success with their contributions to the Highlight Reel.
Keep Rolling Yahtzees
Thursday, May 3, 2012
Lead Foot
Before I even get started I want to thank all my dedicated followers (maybe 2 or 3 people if I am lucky) who have stuck with me through thick and thin of me blogging about social media for the past 3 months. Now, like I had promised, your hand will be in and out of the cookie jar enough to make up for lost time. The best part about this cookie jar is that no one is watching and there is no spoiling of your dinner because this is the main course. So I hope you are hungry because there is plenty to go around. Start feasting.
I need to give a little background first before I go into my main topic. Think of this as the appetizer before the steak comes out. I am from Hinton, IA which is in the Northwest portion of the state. I go to school up in Minneapolis, MN. The drive according to mapquest or google maps is supposed to take me 5 hours and 10 minutes. Lets just say I would have a heart attack if it ever took me this long. Now to the steak!
This morning I planned to leave my house around 11 AM and was hoping to arrive at the N Dubs by 3:15. I hit the snooze a couple more times than originally intended but was still on the road by 11:25. This of course was no big deal. The only reason for the 11 AM planned departure was to avoid traffic in the cities because it starts to get fairly heavy by 4. Of course being from Iowa (or the boondocks whichever you prefer), the worst traffic I saw as a kid was when a combine was going around a long corner or up a hill and there was a 2 or 3 car pile up waiting to pass.
The 11:25 leaving time was absolutely perfect because I needed to fill up which takes about 5 minutes, which essentially makes the leaving time 11:30. This nice time allows me to time the trip to a T, and trust me I know all the benchmarks to see if I am on pace or not. My fastest time ever is 4 hours and 6 minutes and no matter the circumstances I always see if I can top it. It is my version of the driving olympics. Just like Humans vs Zombies is the olympics for homeschoolers at NWC. Right now there is some frustrating construction in Worthington, MN that causes me to back track slightly, which makes it nearly impossible to beat the record. Nevertheless, I won't let construction be an excuse and still try to knock off the top mark.
The drive is going swimmingly minus the occasional old drivers and "left hand lingerers." By 1:30 I have realized the record is most likely not going down today because I have missed the 2 hour bench mark by enough time that not even the heaviest of feet could make up for it. By the time I reach the 1 hour from NWC marker, I am on pace for a 3:40 ETA. This is fantastic considering the construction and would be my best time with the current detour I am forced to take.
The next thing I know I am being passed by not 1 not 2, but 3 cars (that was kinda the opposite of the LeBron speech for me) Me being passed is a rarity. When I am driving I see myself as the pace car during a caution in NASCAR. Yet, I am glad to give up the reigns every once in a while, especially if it helps me avoid a ticket from the fuzz. Once they had all passed, I let off the cruise and pushed ahead to keep pace with the leaders. The way I was pushing the old Buick during this stretch I still had some hope of pulling out the record books.
I would have to humbly say I am easily in the upper 99th percentile of good drivers in America. I am also fairly convinced nearly all traffic jams would be avoided if everyone drove like me. Every driver has a lead foot I just happen to use the lead foot on the accelerator. I would reckon to say all drivers who use their lead foot for the break (which is almost everyone) are the first to blame for pointless traffic jams.
I reached Bloomington, which is home to the best athlete at NWC (interpret that how you want but I know who is getting my vote and his initials are RF). My foot has loosened slightly but no need to panic yet. I exit onto 494 and traffic is fairly clear and the record is about 2 minutes out of reach. Then all of a sudden I go from 70 MPH to stopped. The record vanished like a fart in the wind (Shawshank Redemption quote). My mood quickly changes and my iPod goes off and KTIS comes on. To make matters worse, I have been in the car for over 3 hours and the tall glasses of orange juice I downed before I left are catching up on me real quick. I am a little antsy and I am at a complete halt.
For the next half hour I am between 0 and 70 fairly frequently. I have no idea who is at the head of this pack but I am frustrated. I finally reach NWC at 3:52. A 4 hour and 22 minute drive. Not bad but I had been so close to the record. Thus my frustrations. Like most stories, this one has a happy ending as well. I finally walk into the beloved MoTown and am able to relieve myself before going over to Ericksen to put in a few alley-oops.
I end on one of the best quotes and all credit goes to my eldest brother Dan. If you adopt this saying I know I have accomplished more than enough through this post. "If you are driving at or below the speed limit you are lost." Remember this quote and may your lead foot be on the accelerator and help us all out.
Keep Rolling Yahtzee's
I need to give a little background first before I go into my main topic. Think of this as the appetizer before the steak comes out. I am from Hinton, IA which is in the Northwest portion of the state. I go to school up in Minneapolis, MN. The drive according to mapquest or google maps is supposed to take me 5 hours and 10 minutes. Lets just say I would have a heart attack if it ever took me this long. Now to the steak!
This morning I planned to leave my house around 11 AM and was hoping to arrive at the N Dubs by 3:15. I hit the snooze a couple more times than originally intended but was still on the road by 11:25. This of course was no big deal. The only reason for the 11 AM planned departure was to avoid traffic in the cities because it starts to get fairly heavy by 4. Of course being from Iowa (or the boondocks whichever you prefer), the worst traffic I saw as a kid was when a combine was going around a long corner or up a hill and there was a 2 or 3 car pile up waiting to pass.
The 11:25 leaving time was absolutely perfect because I needed to fill up which takes about 5 minutes, which essentially makes the leaving time 11:30. This nice time allows me to time the trip to a T, and trust me I know all the benchmarks to see if I am on pace or not. My fastest time ever is 4 hours and 6 minutes and no matter the circumstances I always see if I can top it. It is my version of the driving olympics. Just like Humans vs Zombies is the olympics for homeschoolers at NWC. Right now there is some frustrating construction in Worthington, MN that causes me to back track slightly, which makes it nearly impossible to beat the record. Nevertheless, I won't let construction be an excuse and still try to knock off the top mark.
The drive is going swimmingly minus the occasional old drivers and "left hand lingerers." By 1:30 I have realized the record is most likely not going down today because I have missed the 2 hour bench mark by enough time that not even the heaviest of feet could make up for it. By the time I reach the 1 hour from NWC marker, I am on pace for a 3:40 ETA. This is fantastic considering the construction and would be my best time with the current detour I am forced to take.
The next thing I know I am being passed by not 1 not 2, but 3 cars (that was kinda the opposite of the LeBron speech for me) Me being passed is a rarity. When I am driving I see myself as the pace car during a caution in NASCAR. Yet, I am glad to give up the reigns every once in a while, especially if it helps me avoid a ticket from the fuzz. Once they had all passed, I let off the cruise and pushed ahead to keep pace with the leaders. The way I was pushing the old Buick during this stretch I still had some hope of pulling out the record books.
I would have to humbly say I am easily in the upper 99th percentile of good drivers in America. I am also fairly convinced nearly all traffic jams would be avoided if everyone drove like me. Every driver has a lead foot I just happen to use the lead foot on the accelerator. I would reckon to say all drivers who use their lead foot for the break (which is almost everyone) are the first to blame for pointless traffic jams.
I reached Bloomington, which is home to the best athlete at NWC (interpret that how you want but I know who is getting my vote and his initials are RF). My foot has loosened slightly but no need to panic yet. I exit onto 494 and traffic is fairly clear and the record is about 2 minutes out of reach. Then all of a sudden I go from 70 MPH to stopped. The record vanished like a fart in the wind (Shawshank Redemption quote). My mood quickly changes and my iPod goes off and KTIS comes on. To make matters worse, I have been in the car for over 3 hours and the tall glasses of orange juice I downed before I left are catching up on me real quick. I am a little antsy and I am at a complete halt.
For the next half hour I am between 0 and 70 fairly frequently. I have no idea who is at the head of this pack but I am frustrated. I finally reach NWC at 3:52. A 4 hour and 22 minute drive. Not bad but I had been so close to the record. Thus my frustrations. Like most stories, this one has a happy ending as well. I finally walk into the beloved MoTown and am able to relieve myself before going over to Ericksen to put in a few alley-oops.
I end on one of the best quotes and all credit goes to my eldest brother Dan. If you adopt this saying I know I have accomplished more than enough through this post. "If you are driving at or below the speed limit you are lost." Remember this quote and may your lead foot be on the accelerator and help us all out.
Keep Rolling Yahtzee's
Monday, January 16, 2012
Your John Hancock
If you are of the male gender, I think it is easy to admit that we often do not ponder some of the intricacies women must deal with in a relationship. Since I am a single guy, I will venture to say my state is not of "pondering" but more of a "never think about it" state. This may seem a bit cold, but this is not due to a lack of caring. Rather I find myself thinking of other things (homework, sports, what is there to eat?). Now, obviously since I am writing on this, I encountered a time when for a minute I ventured into the "pondering" state and beyond. This is where my story begins.
I am in class listening to a conversation between two fellow classmates. The people involved and the conversation are both irrelevant, but for some reason my brain was sparked to the "pondering" state. At that moment I instantly realized that when a woman gets married she must change her signature because her last name has changed. (If you are a female and reading this feel free to insert a laugh and duh at the same time here) I have no clue why it took me 20 years to finally think of this but it did.
My initial thought is that I am glad I do not have to worry about changing mine. I admit that I was "that kid" obsessing with my signature to try and emulate a sweet pro athlete signature. The doctor signature was pretty cool, but I wanted a recognizable athletes signature in case I were to go pro. I would take out my sports cards and look at Michael Jordan's signature and spend multiple hours attempting to make mine as cool as his. This of course never happened and somehow I settled with a signature with a bunch of scribbles that was not even doctor worthy.
My thinking then returns to the female side of the story. All of a sudden, I have done the unthinkable and am currently in the "deeper thought" state. A few of the intricacies begin to click. I realize why young girls practice writing their name out with their "crushes" last name in place of their own. Also, why girls practice saying their names and inserting their "crushes" last name. Both of which I had never given even the slightest thought to.
After spending close to 2 or 3 minutes in the "pondering and deeper thought" state, I reenter the "never think about it" state. I cannot pinpoint exactly why I found myself thinking about these things. Other than a good blog post these thoughts are nothing more than a good ah-ha moment in life. My last thought is a shout out to you ladies that deal with this all the time, and best of luck perfecting your John Hancock.
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